Hang In There, Brother
by CercandoUnaVoce
Summary: Tag for episode 2x17-2x22. Some retakes, some missing scenes from the episode, just a peek in Clay and Sonny's minds right when things are happening.
1. Tag 2x17

**_A/N_**_: So, this is a little different from my usual writing.  
I only recently found out how powerful first person, present writing can be, and I wanted to try playing things differently._  
_I don't know what this is, I don't even know if I am actually allowed to retake scenes this way, but this is how things play and replay in my mind. I needed to write this so bad I had to pause my other projects to do that. And then I thought, 'they are right here, why don't publish them?' And now, here I am._

* * *

****_... ... ..._****

**What is happening here? / Clay's POV**

The darkness surrounds me and my ears are ringing. _What happened?_

I feel something hard under my back. _Am I laying down?_

I try to move. I can't.

_Yes, I am laying down. But where? And why?_

Breathing is hard. If I want to do that I can't focus on anything else now. _Hell, I just wanna sleep._

The ringing in my ears gradually leaves place for the screams and the commotion on the street. _Manila's streets. I'm laying on Manila's streets.  
__But why?_

Commotion raises; I feel the smell of the flames.  
_The smell of the flames? Is that an actual thing? _Maybe not, but it's all my brain allows me to call what I sense.

I breathe slowly.

_Yes, I was helping people after the first explosion. Wait, _first_ explosion? That would mean there was a _second_ one. Was there?_

Hell, breathing this dusty air makes me feel sick, _but what choice do I have?_  
I can't move.

_Wait, is someone calling my name? _I wanna look, but I'm exhausted and I can't. My chest doesn't want to collaborate much.

Not at all; not my chest, not my legs. Not even my brain.

While I fight with the urge to go back to sleep, I hear my name again and I manage to open my eyes; all is blurry.  
I try to get up, my head lifts slightly, but I can't go further than that.

_Hey, why am I barefoot?_

I lay back and my eyes close. Then I feel a gentle touch on me and someone takes my hand, or at least I think he does, because I feel it moving without my will.

I blink, trying to focus._ Sonny? Sonny is that you?_

Multiple people are around me now, one of them covers me with some kind of blanket. Hell, I didn't know how cold I was till they covered me up.

But now I'm too tired, my eyes close again and the darkness weights on me. My ears keep ringing, but Istill can hear Sonny's voice telling me to breathe.

_Where I by chance forgetting to breathe? _Apparently, yes.

The voices kept telling me to stay with them.

_Where should I go? I don't have my boots on._

_And I'm so tired. _I want to sleep so much, but they are telling me to open my eyes.

_Who are they, are they my Team? _They want me to look at them.

I do. My Team is there. _Why are they so worried about me? What the hell is happening here?_

I can feel anything, only a weight on my chest. And those familiar voices keep telling me to breath, but breathing is so hard.

I can't move a single muscle and I'm tired. I just wanna stop trying, but a warm touch on my skin makes me change my mind. I have to try harder and I open my eyes again.

_Sonny? Hey, Sonny, have you seen my boots?_

He seems so worried. They all seem.

_Why are they so worried? _

The ringing in my ears doesn't want to stop, these voices keep talking, but I can't clearly understand what they say. Now I feel multiple hands on me. I feel my body pulled and rolled and lifted.

_What are they doing? Where am I going?_

I need to focus on my breath. _Hell, my chest hurt_.

They make me cross my arms, and I feel constricted. _Am I tied up? Why are they tieding me up?_

I see their concerned faces disappear, and now I can't even see the sky anymore. _Where am I now? Where are they taking me?_

I hear sirens and a familiar voice saying something.  
I look at him. _Jason? What the hell is happening?_ I try to focus, I try to keep my eyes open.

_But where the hell are my boots?_

**_... ... ..._**

**Stay with me, Brother! / Sonny's POV**

There are casualties everywhere, the whole Team is doing his best to help, but there are just so many injured, scared and crying people here.

I put the kid down, Clay promised him and his brother I would keep them safe, and dang, that's what I'm gonna do.

Suddenly the shockwave of a second explosion makes the bar's walls shake. Dust and debris rise, clotting the air, more people screaming and crying louder.

_Clay was out there. _This thought hits me harder than the explosion itself.

_Clay is out there._ My heart skips a beat, but I can't let this cloud my mind. I have a job to do.

"Hey, hey, you're okay?" I rapidly check on the kids; they nod, hugged to each other. The older one has his little brother's back.

_I need to do the same for mine. _

I look around the bar, the rest of my Team is frantically working to keep the situation under control; Trent is appealing to all his medical training, the others are following his instructions to the letter.  
They didn't see Clay went out. They don't know he is not here, that he is not safe.

"Clay was out there!" As those words leave my mouth, there's no going back. My teammates freeze, terror is printed on their faces.

"Go find him!" Jason orders me, but there's no need, I already have one foot out the door.

More people crying, more people running, begging for help. But I can't stop for them, God forgives me, I can't stop till I find my little brother.

Flames surround the street, a suffocating odor of dirt, sweat and blood invests me.

I smell death.

"Clay?" Smoke clouds my sight. I can't see my brother.

"Clay?" I run down the street, there's someone there.

_Is that a corpse? Is that my brother's corpse? _My heart clenches painfully._  
No, it can't be! He. Can. Not. Be. Dead._

"Clay!" My blood freeze in my veins as I can see his left leg bent in an unnatural position; his boots are gone, there's blood on both his thighs, debris stuck in them.

Little winces invest Clay's body. His head lifts, only to fall back again, his eyes open for a split second, but then close back.

_He's alive. Holy cow, he's still alive. _I kneel by him, I don't know where to put my hands and I find myself holding my breath.

_Come on, open your eyes, buddy! Come on._ Clay blinks, he is still here, but I don't know for how long.

The rest of the Team arrives at my back; my focus is totally on Clay, but I can feel their presence. I can feel their hearts beating fast and their wheels turning rapidly to find a solution.

I beg Clay to look at me, I pray he can feel my presence.  
With my right hand, I take his left one. _Darn, it's so cold, how can it be so cold?_

I put my right hand on his chest, it slightly lifts, glitching. My fingers reach his neck, _damn!_ I struggle to sense his pulse and when I succeed, it seems like his heart it's running a marathon.

Trent takes control of the situation. _He knows what to do, Clay's gonna be fine. I just need to keep him calm._

I glance at my right, I see a blue tarp. Leaving Clay's hand for the little moment it takes me to reach the thing and cover him makes me hold my breath, but I need to warm him up. He is losing blood and he is losing consciousness.

Trent is working on the wound, I have to work on keeping him awake.

I tell him to look at me, Clay needs to know I'm there for him. I try to reassure him, he needs to know he's safe now, he needs to believe it's all gonna be alright. I take his left hand in mine, a firm, strong grip around his thumb.

_Come on, Clay, hold it back. Please, tighten my hand, Buddy._ But he doesn't. He can't.

He blinks and his lips slightly move, no sound coming from them, not even a single cry. I doubt the air is going in and reaching his lungs.

I order him to take deep breaths, I'm a senior, he has to obey me. I say it again, but now I find myself begging him; this damn kid never listens to me.

I sense Trent working on the big hole in Clay's right thigh. Then I hear the holy sound of the sirens, and with the corner of my eye I see Ray waving his arms around to hijack the ambulance to us.

I can see Clay is drifting away. I cry for him to stay with me. I tighten my grip on his hand and with my free one I gently tap him on his shoulder. I order him to keep his eyes open.

"Hang in there!" Trent's voice reaches me, but I'm not sure it reaches the kid's brain.

The sound of the siren gets louder, and commotion rises as Jason and Brock are back with the supplies to help Trent in his task.

I beg Clay to keep breathing. I put my right hand near his ear, my fingers rub his hair, sustaining his head. He blinks, and now I feel some strength in his hand, he is holding mine back.

Clay feels me. _Holy crap, he feels me, and I'm not gonna let him shift away again._

The whole Team is rounded by him, we are all doing all we can to save our little buddy. We're one beating heart that will beat for him till he can stand alone again.

The ambulance is here, the backboard ready for him.  
_Hang in there, Buddy, we got you._ Every single member of the Team helps putting Clay on the thing, careful he doesn't get hurt more.

Clay seems calmer now, he knows we have his back. _I can feel it, he knows._

As a perfect Team, we lift the board all together and lay it on the stretcher. The second I leave my grip on it, _on him_, my heart clenches.

I feel void as the EMTs load Clay on the ambulance. _I don't want to leave him alone_.

But he won't be alone, Jason jumps in with him without even thinking. _Jace has Clay's back, I have to follow his orders._

Watching the ambulance disappear at the horizon, my knees are weak. I have never felt so powerless in my whole life.

I turn to my brothers, on their feces the look of desperation. My mind turns blank, my heart is in that ambulance.

_Damn dead's man hand._

**_... ... ..._**

**The Pain Awakes / Clay's POV**

The siren's loud stops.

_I'm tired, I'm so tired. _I'm about to fall asleep.

My ears ring, and I see Jason's lips moving.

"Hang in there. You're gonna be alright." Jason's voice is so distant it barely reaches my brain.

_Have the sirens stopped or it's just me not hearing them anymore?_

"We're here, all's gonna be fine."Jason approaches me, the ceiling starts moving and for a minute I can see the sky again.

_Yes, the sirens stopped for real. _And now Jason says we are here, _but where is here?_ And w_hy I should not be fine?_

An improvise wave of pain hits me. _Oh, that's why. Dang it hurts!_

My legs hurt, I can't move them. I try to lift to better see, but straps prevent me to move. I feel so weak, I'm not sure I could move even without them.

The oxygen mask on my face helps my burning chest to welcome the air in, but I feel it's not enough. Now everything hurts, and I can't move.

_God, make it be because I'm tied up. Make my legs still be there, make my body be intact._

I search for Jason's look. His brown eyes peer into my soul, his mouth telling me it's all gonna be alright. His look is trying hard to be supportive, but I can see the hint of fear in him.

_Jason Hayes is scared_. I freeze, Jason can't be scared.

I focus on him, I see him fighting for me and then I don't see him anymore.

I'm on my own now, stranger people touching me. Breathing is getting even harder and the pain fully awakes in me. _Is it possible it was there the whole time and I didn't notice it?_

_God, I'm so tired._

I feel the stranger's touch ripping my clothes away; _These are not my brothers, where are my brothers?_

_I'm so scared._

I feel a needle stock in my arm; my vision clouds, _I'm too tired_.

Then, I surrender.

**_... ... ..._**

**The Sterile Wait / Sonny's POV**

The hospital hallway is too quiet. _How can it be so quiet after what just happened out there?_

We sit there, silent. The strong lights make the white walls reverberate; it hurts my eyes, and I have to look down. My brothers beside me do the same, no one can watch the other in the eyes.

Waiting powerlessly is not our forte. This silence hurts my soul, but I don't have the strength to break it.  
I bet Ray is praying. Hell, I'm praying too, we all are, no matter if we believe in God or not. This thing is greater than us, we can't do more then that for now.

Not till we can get our revenge. I wanna Clay to know we are gonna get that revenge for him. Someone is gonna pay for this. I wanna look Clay in the eyes and tell him justice has been done.

_Yes, I'm gonna look him in the eyes and tell him that._

Now Clay's lost look appears before me. My heart clenches. _If he was that lost with us there for him, how is he feeling right now that we are shut out here?_

I glance at the emergency room's doors. I need to see him, I need to know he is okay.

_We didn't recover his boots. _This lightening thought hit me unexpectedly. _We forgot his boots, he's gonna need them when he gets out._

My stomach turns. _Is he gonna need his boots when this is all over?_

Finally Blackburn gets out of those damn doors. We all jump to our feet, rounding him. His usual stoic expression allows a hint of concern to slip through. My heart stops, I can sense my teammates has stopped breathing just like me.

"He's in critical condition." My head starts spinning as those words echo in the silence of the hallway.

Clay_ is not okay. Dang, _I_ am not okay._

All I wanna know now is when I can see my little brother, when I can tell him I'm here for him. That we all are.

As Blackburn says we can't, I feel a stab in the heart. All kinds of emotions cloud my mind.  
Here it comes the pain, then the anger and the frustration raise, then the fear of losing him takes my breath away, and the sting to know he is all alone, far from us, strikes the final blow.

_No, he is not okay, and I can do nothing for him.  
_I feel sick, my knees weak. _I am not okay with that. _No one in this damn hallway is.

"You guys should go back to the hotel." Blackburn's voice shakes me out of my paralysis.  
"Go patch up and clean up, you need that."

I look down, I'm covered in dust, scratches on my skin, my clothes dirty and soaked in sweat. We are all like that.  
My brothers and I cross our looks, we know we should get out of that damn place, there is nothing more to do for us there. Clay was not there anymore, he was not with us anymore.

I look down again, standing beside me, Trent has Clay's blood on him. It's not much, but I can see _it_.  
_I know it's his blood. Trent had to put his hands on the kid's wound, and... _

No! I can't go back there.

"The bombing will be on every news by now," Blackburn's voice reaches me again. "You should call your families, tell them you're okay."

_But we are _not_ okay._

"What about Clay?" My words come out not totally connected to my brain.

I feel confused look on me. "What about his emergency contact, someone knows who it is now?"

Those look on my brothers' faces grow even more confused, we all turn to Blackburn, lips pursed. No one knew.

"I'll take care of that," Blackburn says. "I got him."

No one knows who else in Clay's life deserves to know what happened to him. Who else beside us. Because we were there, but we could not be anymore. And more than ever, now he needed someone to be there for him. With him, while we are here, seeking revenge.

****_... ... ..._****

**I Can't Breath If He doesn't Breath With Me / Sonny's POV**

We walk in the hall of the hotel like zombies; silent and dead-look, the smell of dust and blood is still in my nostrils.

I look around, this was supposed to be a Gucci mission. Hell, this turned to be a complete different thing.

Our steps echo in the void corridors while we walk to our rooms. Jason's hand reaches out for the handle, Ray right beside him. The same goes for Trent and Brock. Silence fills the air, a clean air I would appreciate if I could actually breathe.

We lock eyes with each other for an endless second, then Jason and Trent's hands push down their handles and the guys all disappear behind their doors.

But I can't. My hand is frozen on the thing, my feet glued to the carpet.

_I can't go in there alone. _Clay was supposed to be at my side.

A sudden realization strikes me_. Dang, Clay had the key._ _I _can't _go in._

I take a deep breath, I'm gonna have to explain the situation to the receptionist. I have to tell her I can't get in my room because my friend who had the key just blew up.

The image of Clay's body laying there on that street makes my stomach cramp. _He just blew up._

Those words weight on me, and the face the poor girl makes hearing them says the story hit on her too. But now I have my key, and I can get in my room.

Entering, the sight of the empty room hits me. He is not here with me. _Hell, I am not there with him when he needs me the most._

All his clothes and the dirty uniforms we both forgot to wash are scattered here and there on the floor, and all his things are right here. His shoes are here too. Not the once he was wearing, we forgot those one back there, on the street.

I hear my cell phone ring, but my mind is too paralyzed to take the call. I put the phone on the table and I let it ring and ring again.

_I just wanna scream, I wanna cry and I wanna this pain to go away._

I walk to the minibar and I take out a shot of whiskey. Before I can drink a single sip, my eyes drop on my phone.

_15 missed calls?_ I'm not used to be that important to someone, but _she_ keeps calling me.

_Oh, God, Davis. _My mind goes back to the first explosion, the way I left her hanging on the phone is something I regret, but I'm sure she will understand that my brothers were in that damn bar, and I needed to know they were alright.

I take a deep breath and dial her number. I hear the phone ringing.

_"Sonny! Sonny, are you okay?" _The concern in her voice makes my heart clench. _"What happened?"_

My lips purse, but the voice doesn't want to come out of my throat. _Maybe I should have taken that drink first._

_"Sonny are you there?"_ The crack in her voice makes a hole rip in my heart.

"Yeah," I have to clear my voice as my words comes out too weak for her to hear. "Yeah, I'm right here, I'm all in one piece." Yes, my body is all in one piece, but I can't say I'm okay.

I am not okay.

_"Oh, thank God." _I hear her sighing. _"Darn you, Sonny Quinn! You scared the hell out of me!"_

_This is too much_. It weighs on me to know I'm making her suffer, but If she only knows how damn scared I am...

_"Sonny? What happened there? I heard there was a bombing, where you there?"_

The loud sound echoes in my mind, the taste of the dirt fills my mouth and the smell of dust my nostrils.  
"Yeah, we were right there."

_"Is everyone okay?"_ Concern rises in her voice once again.

_No one is okay! _But I can't tell her that. Not like this.

_"Who?"_ She read my silence. She can always read me well.

_"Sonny you are scaring me, tell me who."_ She insist, but the voice could not come out of my throat.

"Clay." I hardly manage to not choke in my breath.

_"Clay? Clay what?" _I feel terror in her voice, I can picture her perfect face growing pale._ "Sonny, what happened to Clay? Is he... Is he..."_

"Critical." I can not let her finish that sentence. I can not let her say that word. "He's in critical condition."

Clay is not dead. He is still fighting, and dang, you can bet he will fight as hard as hell. He his Bravo Team.  
_Yes, he still is Bravo Team, no matter what._

I hear Davis hold a gasp, I picture her beautiful eyes holding the tears in, and in a blink, I can't hold mine.

"He's been airlifted back to the States." I sniff the tears away, I try to talk straight, but I can't. "He is alone, Lisa. He is all alone." I feel the salty drops pouring down my cheeks. Thank God she can't see me now, no one can see Sonny Quinn melting like that.

_"I'll do all can, but..."_ I hear her hesitate.

_Please, no buts. _I feel conflicted, I know she can't drop everything just to watch Clay sleep in a hospital bed, but he can't be alone. I don't want him to wake up alone.

I freeze, a ball cloth my throat. _I don't want him to die alone._

Admitting that, my chest paralyzes. I can't breathe and my heart stops. _If he doesn't make it, he will be alone in his last moments._

My legs give away, and I have to sit down. I feel like I'm on a wheel with my ears ringing loud.

_"Sonny, are you still there?"_ Davis' voice takes me back to the present, even if I can't exactly tell what she's trying to say to me.

"Yeah, yeah." I stop, I swallow my emotion back, and I breathe again. "But I have to go now."

As I hang up the phone, my body moves by itself, and I wake up in the shower with the hot water pouring on me.

Looking down I see all the signs of the recent events washing away, but a shadow still stains my heart. The dirt, the blood and the sweat all go down the drain; I'm fresh and clean now, but my soul keeps bleeding.

I'm on auto pilot again, and when I regain control, I am clothed and sitting on my bed.  
I let air in, no matter what I do, I can still feel the metallic taste in my mouth, I can still smell the sorrow and the fear.

Watching Clay's empty bed keeps the pain flow in me, and while the adrenaline abandons me, the fear arises.

_I can't stay here. _

_I can't be alone._ My heart clenches again, at least I have a choice. The thought Clay doesn't hits me hard.

_I can't stay here alone. _I walk out of my room, of _our_ room, and go knocking on Trent and Brock's door.

My brother, Brock, opens his room to me, and I just stand there, mirroring in him. I can't say a word. Not without risking to start crying in front of them.  
Brock's red eyes tell me he's feeling the same.

The guys let me in with a silent nod, they know why I am there, why I need to sleep on their floor. They can understand; I wish someone could be there for Clay like these guys are here for me.

_Damn, we should be those guys for him._

I close the door at my back. The silence echoing in my hearts.

**_... ... ..._**

* * *

**_A/N_**_: Yeah, I may exaggerated with the number of swearing, but it felt quite in character so, I apologize, but I'm leaving them there._

_I thought of inserting a Ray's POV scene, but for now, I think Clay and Sonny stand alone quite well. I'm still tempted to add Ray's reaction and maybe a phone call home, but I don't want to rush things. I'll see. For now, I just really needed to take this out of my chest. How this thing will go on, and if it will go on, is not yet decided. I just feel this storyline has so much potential!_


	2. The First Month

_**A/N: **__Thank you all for reading and thanks to those who found the time to review._

_One month time jump? I'm on it!  
Honestly, so many feels and question filled my mind watching episode 2.18. Too many to handle, I'd say. To make another little experiment I'm gonna try to sum up the missing month using the Five Ws and H rule, with connection to the very first scene of the episode and hints from what comes after._

_**... ... ...**_

_**Who / Sonny's POV**_

_Who did this? _Walking down the hotel hall, my mind jumps back to the other night.

_Just who?_ This thought is stuck in my head since I saw my little brother laying in the damn ambulance.

_No one can hurt my family and walk away with it._ I need to know _who__**.**_ My heart pounds at the thought of being face to face with that damn who.

With this in my mind, I follow the guys out. Their red eyes tell me they all had the same hell of a night I had. They look like crap, for real, and I know it's just like looking into the mirror for me.

We're in the van. Five seats get occupied. Clay's spot is right there.

Clay is not.

Leaving the Gucci Hotel to spend more time at the base is not as terrible as it sounds. I can't stand to stare at Clay's empty bed anymore.

I need action, I can't stand this quiet after the storm._  
_My storm is not passed. Not yet. Not until I know my brother will be fine, not until whoever is responsible for putting him in a hospital bed pays for it.

"Earth to Sonny!" Jason voice shakes me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you. Damn, stupid training session; I got it."

_Agh, I can't stand this training with the Filipino guys anymore! _Now I can't hold back a sigh, I'm starting to sound like Clay. Only yesterday he was the one who was begging for action, and look at him now. _Oh Gosh, I would so much to be able to look at him right now._

"Stupid or not, we're gonna focus on that, alright?" Jason's voice is once again the anchor that keeps me to the here and now.

_Focus on that?_ We should focus on who the hell hurt our brother. _What meaning do these trainings have if we can't go out in the field getting what we need to gain__.__Who__ we need to get__._

This stupid van is too quiet, my thoughts are too heavy to handle in here.  
Even the guys are too quiet. _Is it possible that I'm the only one being bothered by this?_

"Come on, when are we gonna have the real action?" I look my brothers in the eyes, I can see that's what they are asking themselves too.

"As soon as Mandy gets that name, she gives it to us, you know that. Be patient." Jason just has to say that.

I understand he _has_ to, but I can see his hands are itching as much as mine. I look at my brothers, they are all itching for payback.

"Whoever did that to Clay will pay for it." Ray's voice is darker than usual, he doesn't even look at us.

_So I'm not the only who has been kicked in the nuts by this damn situation, uh?_

"You can count on that." Ray continues, and we all nod at him.

_Of course I count on that! That's the minimum. _But whoever blew up my little brother is out there right now. He is out there gloating about what he did. About what he did to my family.

_I can't stand that while sitting on my hands._ I need to know _who_he is_._

I need to know the who more than anything.  
No, it's not true. More than anything I need to know that Clay is okay. But the who it's a close second.

_ If the worse happens, revenge will be all I have__._

_Oh, no Sonny, don't go there! _I look out the car window, I can't let my brothers see I'm about to lose it. _Come on,__you cannot go there! Positive thinking, come on. Clay is gonna be alright._

No matter what, I'm gonna find out who did this, and damn, he is gonna pay.

_Who can stop our need of vengeance now?_

_**... ... ...**_

**Where / Clay's POV**

_Where am I?_ My conscience wakes up to this thought.

First thing, an acrid smell comes to my nose. It's not exactly bad; it's like alcohol, but not the good one, for sure. It's like the smell of clean, like... like...

_Wait, clean? _The last time I was aware of myself nothing smelled clean. _Where am I now?_ Back there the air smelled of dust, and sweat, and blood.

_Yes, blood._ _I was wounded_. I can remember it now. _I was blown up and my legs hurt. _

_My legs hurt?_

My eyes don't want to open. All is still confused_._ _Where the hell am I?_ _And where is my Team?_

_Okay, progress report, my legs hurt back then._ D_o they hurt now?_ Since my eyes don't want to cooperate, I focus on what sensation I can feel.

_What sensations? _I can feel nothing.

_Hell, I can feel nothing! God, tell me my legs are still there!_

I can't breathe. I can't move.

I hear a beeping, a hastening sound getting louder while my chest clenches. That stupid clean air is not reaching my lungs anymore.

Suddenly, I feel someone touching me, and my eyes finally pop open. There's a man standing beside me with a hand on my chest; no, not a hand. I feel a cold, metallic touch.

"It's okay, sailor." This warm voice barely penetrates in my panic.

Yes, I am panicking. _Come on, Clay, calm down! Panic is not an option._

"Relax, you're safe." The man keeps talking to me, the cold thing still on my chest.

_I am safe_, says he, a doctor, I guess. A tall man with gray hair and little green eyes.

_Wait, green eyes and white skin?_ He is not a Filipino.

"Where am I?" My chest burns letting just these few words out, and my vision blurs when I try to shift my focus to discern my surroundings.

The doctor's touch is soft while he keeps checking on me. "Naval Hospital in Portsmouth, Virginia."

_Virginia? How the hell did I get here?_ I gasp, my voice won't come out.

"Your condition was too severe to be treated in loco. Your commander airlifted you back home." I notice a nurse appearing at the doctor's side, checking the IV drip.

I look down, there's a needle in my arm. That's my IV drip.

_Wait, my condition was too severe? _My brain just doesn't know how to deal with this information.

"My-my legs..." again that background noise speeds up. "I can't feel my legs. A-are my-are my legs..."

"Calm down," the doctor says with a hand on my shoulder. "Your legs are exactly where they should be. It's just the effect of the anesthesia, but it will pass soon."

_So that's why I can't feel them?_ _But_ _is that all?_

"Where is my Team?" I hold on the thought of my teammates because the weight of the million questions I would raise about my health is too high to bear.

_And I'm so tired now. _

"Your Team is still deployed. You know how it works." I can't really decode the doctor's expression here.

"How long have I been here?" _How long have I been away from my brothers?_

"Almost 24 hours. The surgery to repair the damages to your nerves took a while." I can feel that the doctor's tone wants to be reassuring, but his words are not. "As I told you, your injuries were severe."

_24 hours? My condition was _that_ severe?_

"I wanna see." I find myself clenching my fists. "Let me see."

"Okay, but you should be prepared." The doctor's look is cold, either he doesn't care or something is really wrong down there.

_Damn, I feel cold inside_.

"The shockwave of the explosion hit you hard, and you sustained traumatic damage to the femoral nerves in both your legs, as well as contusions and burns," he goes on. "The sight may be tough for you." The man stares at me, a hand on the sheet.

_I don't care. I _need_ to see._ I just nod, I'm too paralyzed to say anything. I'm too paralyzed to even breathe.

_Hell, I'm scared._

But should I be scared? Should I be grateful that I still have my legs, instead? Should I be angry that this happened to me?

_Hell, I don't know!_ I feel nothing, or maybe I feel everything. _I don't know_. I just hold my breath. No, I'm not holding anything, I just can't breathe at all.

I feel the sheet lifting; my eyes are on the doctor's hand while he uncovers me. It seems like the man moves in slow motion, but I can't look down at my legs.  
I need to look, but I can't. And still, I need to see the truth.

A second later, an endless second later, there they are. _They are really there. _I hold back a sigh.

But I can't be relieved.  
My heart leaps; the doctor was right, the sight shocks me. Heavy bandages are on my thighs, a stain of blood on the white on my right one; the skin I can see is livid and my legs are swollen.

_Maybe I should be glad I can't feel them._ My heart painfully starts to beat again.

When I gain my sensation back, I'm not gonna like what I feel, just as I don't like what I see now.

And now, I have to look away, or my heart will stop again.

_Wait, I am gonna gain my sensation back, right?_ At this heartening thought my chest hurts. Once again, it appears I forgot to breathe.

"Am I... _When_ I..." My voice won't come out of my sore throat.

_Come on, Clay, focus._

_Breathe. _

"When am I gonna be on my feet again?"

"We are working on that." The doctor covers me again, I can see how hard his look tries to be reassuring. _Well, that's a big fail!_

"Am I gonna be able to go back in action?" I feel my heart skips a beat and then speeds up, waiting for the answer.

I _need_ to go back to Bravo.

"You don't have to think about that right now. We need to see how your body reacts to the repairs," the doctor continues with his cold tone.

_Does this even matter to him?_ My wheels turn fast. _Is he hiding something from me?_

"You have a long way to go, you need to be patient." The man just keeps spitting clichés.

_I am not afraid of the hard work. I'll do anything to get back on my Team._

Suddenly I start to feel something down there. And _no_, I' don't like what I'm feeling_._ _Maybe I don't really want to start with that hard work very soon_.

I'm so tired now, but I need to know the truth. "How long?"

"It's gonna take time. Right now, we can't tell you anything for sure," the doctor continues, but I'm starting to hear just a humming sound coming from him.

_He can not say anything for sure_. _How should I take this information?_

I have to get back on my feet. I have to go back to the Team. _I need it_. It's the only thing I have.

_They_ are the only thing I have.

_Where are my brothers now?_

_**... ... ...**_

**How / Sonny's POV**

_How could this happen to him?_ That's the only thought that comes up in my mind while waiting for Blackburn to update us on Clay's condition.

_How did he get himself in that situation? How could _I_ let him get himself in that situation?_

I can't help but think it's all my fault. I look around, no one is paying attention to anyone else. That's good, no one will read my mind; I don't need therapy at this moment. Hell, I don't need therapy in life in general.

After my recent 'accident' (hell, a shiver strikes me thinking of that), I sensed Clay was lost.  
I don't know if it was for what happened to me, for breaking up with Stella, for whatever the last shit with his father was, or for God knows what, but he was lost and he came to me.

_What a stupid idea he had!_

_How could I tell him that going all in with the job is just who we are?_ That stupid advice came out of my mouth right when I was opening the door fot Lisa to come in. _I was just leaving the idea of being all for the job, and I said that to him?_ _To my little brother in need of reassurance?_

_Come on, Sonny, you are smarter than that!_ I find myself beating my head. Fortunately, my brothers are too focused on their shoes to notice.

Sitting outside the Commander's office with my Team wandering around, impatient as I am, takes my mind back to the damn white hallway from the other night. Staring at Blackburn's door is just like staring at the closed emergency room.

_Hell, is that what the guys felt when I got trapped in that damn torpedo tube?_ I never thought to say this, but holy crap, it's better to be on the other side; to be the one fighting for his life.  
_Waiting is not for me._

_How did we get here?_

My thoughts echo in my head. It's pretty empty in there right now, and the guys' silence is not helping at all.

Yes, I usually am the one who breaks the silence, but now I just can't.

_How did I get to this point?_

I clench my fists, thinking that I could have stopped him. _How could I have stopped him? How could I have prevented him from going out there?_

_Come on, prevent him from helping people? Are you serious now?_ I can't let the guilt cloud my mind.

My guts are in turmoil. My muscles harden from my tension as if I just had my hour workout, maybe a two hour workout, and the day hasn't even started yet.

"Any news? How is he?" Jason questions draw my attention to the door again. Blackburn is now standing by it with his usual unreadable expression.

I hold my breath. The gasps I hear tell me my brothers are doing the same.

"Stable." This single word leaving Blackburn's mouth allows us to breathe again.

"Just that?" Ray beats me to it. "What about his legs?"

My heart skips a beat as my brother gives voice to our concern.

"I do not have too much information, guys." What I sense in Blackburn's voice is that he's not telling us everything.

_How can he hide things from us? How can he hide anything about_ this_ from us?_

"The doctors need time to give him a full evaluation, but he is stable now." Hearing the Commander's words I find myself clenching my fists.

"Give Clay some time." He sternly nods at us, as to say, 'go to work, slackers'.

"He doesn't need time, he needs a good outcome." I feel my brother's grave looks on me. _Maybe it was better when I couldn't talk._

Silence fills my heart again.

_How can we stay here doing nothing while Clay fights alone?_

_**... ... ...**_

**Why / Clay's POV**

_Why should I want to live like this?_ That's the question that keeps playing in my mind.

_Why should I care about anything if it means that I am not going back to my Team? _

And I don't. I don't care.  
Doctors and nurses come and go. They check on me, talk to me, and I don't care, because I don't like what they say.

_Why should I still listen to the doctors? _They don't understand.

I'm in pain. So much pain.

My whole body aches, my legs hurt like hell.  
Damn, my soul hurts. I don't wanna feel it anymore. _Take it away from me. Take my soul away for good. You already started ripping my heart from Bravo Team, please, just finish the job._

One day passes, doctors and nurses keep coming and going.

They say the reconstruction of my nerves appear successful, but I see something else in their eyes. '_Appear'._ It is not the reassuring word I need to hear and my heart skips a beat every time they have an update for me.

_Why can't I hold on to some hope even for a little second? Why are they so concerned?_

Now they say the neural pathways may never heal completely.

_Never. Heal. Completely_. These words echo in my mind, and my world stops. I honestly don't know what the doctor is saying after that.

My heart stopped. _I may never heal completely, that means... _No! I'm not gonna say it, not even to myself. _I'm not gonna accept it._

_Why did it happen to me? Why they have to take away the only good thing I have in my life?_

I had_. The only thing I had._

Probably a normal person would cry at this point. But I don't feel it. I don't have tears in me, just the void.

My legs hurt. My heart hurts. _Give me some drugs, I don't wanna feel this anymore. _

The days pass, I'm getting used to the physical pain. I'm getting used to burying my emotions. I'm getting used to ignoring my bleeding heart.

They say the risk of sensation loss can compromise safety in the field.

I know where they are going with this and I don't want to hear it._  
_My safety? I can cope with that, I can take that risk. But my brothers' safety? I am not going down that road. Never. If they are safer without me, I'm not gonna risk their lives. But what about mine? I feel my life may be more at risk staying here than out on the field.

Stop, _I don't wanna hear those words. _My eyes gets lost, the doctor's voice becomes just a humming in the distance.

_Why? Just why? _I don't want to feel anything. Stop the wheel turning, I wanna get out!

The time passes slowly, I don't even know what day is it. Actually, I don't know if it's even day. _Hell, I don't care_!

_Why should I care?_

They are gonna put me through a rehabilitation cycle, to regain strength, they say, but what meaning does the strength have if I can't use it in the field?

_Why should I care doing rehab if I my legs will never heal completely?_

_No! _Finally a question I have an answer for_. I'm gonna work my ass off this damn bed, all the way to the physical therapy and back on the field. _I don't wanna hear otherwise.

In fact, I am not paying any attention to the doctors anymore. I see their lips moving, I watch them listening to my heart and taking note of my vital parameters. I see them coming and going, and I don't care.

The days pass; a week goes by, that's what they say at least. Every day is like the other. Every day, they tell me that the possibility that I may not be able to operate ever again is real, getting more real each day that passes, and I should accept that. I must accept that.

_Why? Why do I need to accept that?_

_I don't wanna hear those words._ I don't wanna believe those words. _But, hell, my legs hurt. And hell, my hope gets more vain every day._

My head spins, my heart beats slow. Sometimes I find myself forgetting to breathe. But _if I have to live like this, I don't know if I want to keep breathing at all._

_Stop, Clay! You can't! You can't believe those words._

Okay, breathing, that I can do. That I will do. For now. Just for now.

The doctors come, the doctors go. The nurses are here and then they are not. _And_ _I don't care. Why should I care?_

I don't wanna feel anything. I don't wanna hear anything.  
I'm damn tired.

_Why should I give up the only thing I care about? _

_But, why shouldn't I?_

_**... ... ...**_

**When / Sonny's POV**

_When will we be able to talk to Clay?_ I keep staring at my phone.

No texts back, not calls back.

Nothing.

I dial his number and I stop breathing till he picks up. If he picks up.

He doesn't. The thing rings out, and my heart clenches while I look at my teammates in search of some support.

Trent has his phone out. I bet he is texting Clay. His serious expression tells me he has no answer either.

_When will he be able to talk to us? _The thought of Clay laying in a damn hospital bed, not being even able to make a phone call is killing me.

I can't breathe well since I saw my little brother bleeding on that damn street, gasping for air.

"Hey, still nothing?" I hear Brock's voice, but It takes me a while to realize that he's talking to me.

"No, damn it! It's been two weeks, he should be able to talk on the damn phone, right?"

"Give him some space." Ray talks like he knows everything, but I'm too concerned to get upset with him.

A stinging pain hits me at the thought Clay is not answering us on purpose. That he doesn't want to talk to us. To me.

I turn back to my phone, writing yet another text message to Clay, but Blackburn interrupts us.

"Shaw wants you at the training camp," he orders us to move, and I have to put my phone away.

I can't hold back a huff of irritation.  
_When are these stupid training sessions gonna end? When are we gonna have our payback for Clay?_

I'm so pissed right now. And my hands itch.

"Hey," Blackburn stops us, "heads in the game, understood?"

We all huff and nod our heads. Since when does he have to worry where our heads are? We are Tier One operators. We can handle this.

"My head is right where it needs to be." _It's my heart that is not here. _But I'm not gonna tell him that.

When I hear from Clay's mouth that he is okay, then I'll have my heart back.

_Come on, Clay, when the hell are you gonna return my calls?_

_**... ... ...**_

**What/ Clay's POV**

_What am I gonna do if I can't be Bravo anymore?_ That's the question that has haunted me every single minute of my hospital life.

_I'm tired; I'm so tired of everything_. I'm in my third week here and I'm damn tired.

_What am I gonna do without my Team?_ I fall asleep with this thought weighing on my heart.

There's my friends. Right there. I see my Team running to me. I feel them caring for me.

_Wait, what's happening again?_

I'm laying down on the concrete, again. I feel the heat of the flames, again.

_What's going on here?_

There's Trent pressing on my leg, Jason and Ray looking at me and asking how they can help, and Brock running to my side. And then there's Sonny holding my hand, I feel his grip. His solid grip keeps me tied to this world and I try to hold his hand back.

But now it slips from me.

I can't feel Sonny's touch anymore, nor Trent's. I can't see Jason's look, nor hear Ray's voice, nor sense Brock's presence.

_What is happening? Where are they going?_

"Don't go! I need you!" I see them getting away; I see them disappearing from my sight.

I'm alone. On the street. Now my heart clenches.

I'm hurt and I'm alone.

The sky is so dark_, where are the stars?_

_What should I do here alone?_

I hear their voices now. My Team voices calling for help. _My_ help. I _need_ to help them.  
My heart clenches again, every time it fails it's more painful. My body doesn't want to move; my muscles don't want to obey.

I hear them calling, but I can't reach them.  
They need me, and I can't be there.  
They are in peril, and I can't save them.

With a loud, gasp I open my eyes. I can't breathe. My chest hurts and I can't breathe.

I try to focus, but I can only hear a buzzing in my ears.

Seriously, I can't breathe! My throat closes, my chest burns. My mouth opens in the desperate attempt to get some air in.

I look around. I'm in a hospital bed and the buzzing is not in my ears. My phone is vibrating tirelessly.

I fight to steady my breath. I'm still confined to a damn hospital bed. No flames, not hard concrete, and no dark sky. Just the sterile, cold hospital atmosphere.

And my friends are not here.

But I'm glad they are not here. _They can not see me like this. _

_They can not._ I don't even look at my phone, I don't need to see who's calling. Whoever it is I'm not gonna answer it.

_What should I tell them? What should I tell my teammates. My _ex_-teammates._ My heart painfully fails again.

_And what can they tell me?_

They tell me they need me, and I'm gonna be broken because I can't be there with them.  
They tell me they don't need me and... My heart nearly implodes now. The pain I feel it's stronger than ever.

_What am I gonna do if they don't need me anymore? What if they replace me?_

_What am I gonna do without Bravo?_

**... ... ...**


	3. Tag 2x18, Pt1

_**... ... ...**_

**It wasn't just a bad dream / Clay's POV**

_I'm out in Manila's streets; I taste dust, I smell blood and my eyes are sore, but I can't stop. I hear people crying for help; I hear too many cries to know what to do, to know how to help._

_Then I hear a phone ringing. So, I turn. I see a backpack abandoned there, and it's ringing. _

_An instant silence fills my mind and paralyze my heart as that ringing echo in my ears. _

_I immediately know what is gonna happen, but I don't have the time to react. My word stops as a loud sound invests me, my skin burns, and steaming air penetrates my lungs. Now I'm flying in the air and I have no control of my body._

Suddenly, I find myself jumping in bed. A stinging pain in my legs clouds my mind completely.

_What the hell is happening? _I can't control my shaking body, I can't breathe.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, Pal." A familiar voice reaches me, a warm touch makes me feel a strong, friendly presence beside me, but I'm sweating, and I still can't breathe.

I'm in a damn bubble, running out of air.

"Calm down, Clay; it was just a nightmare." Now I recognize Swanny's voice.

Swann is here with me. _I'm not alone; that was just a dream. Only a dream..._

My lungs burn as I gasp for air.

"Just breathe, Clay." Swanny's warm voice and his kind touch slowly rock me to calm, but I'm still breathing heavily. It was not just a dream, nor a simple nightmare. That happened for real and it happened to me.

Hell, my legs hurt so much I can't focus; my right thigh is in flames. I try to control my panting , and my mind slowly clears_. It was not just a dream_;_ it was a memory_.

At least now I know exactly where I am: I'm in a hospital bed and I'm about to lose my job. _I am about to lose my family.  
_My heart doesn't need to beat fast anymore, actually it struggles to beat now, and the beeping in the background slowly steady.

"Clay? Clay, are you with me?" I found Swanny's light eyes begging me for a sign of life.

I can't let him see me like this._ Come on, Clay, snap out of it._

"I'm-I'm fine." I force my voice out, but it burns my throat.

"Just breathe, you know how it works." Swanny keeps talking, his hand on my shoulder.

_Why the hell everyone keeps telling me that I have to breathe? Am I so weak that I keep forgetting that?_

"Come on, nightmares come with the job; you know that." Swanny keeps talking, I keep ignoring him.

I try to focus on steady my breath. It's not the first time nightmares come to haunt me, but the last time it was this bad was when we lost Adam.

_Adam..._ the explosion who took him away plays in my mind, on my skin the sensation I felt when _I_ was blown up.

_Now I know what Adam felt in his last moments of life. _This thought makes me shiver, I can't think about that now. I feel all that pain coming back to me again and I can't afford it.

_Gosh, I miss Adam! _Oh, I feel him so close right now, and so distant at the same time.

My heart is exploding, so I try to shake those memories off. I can't go there, or I'll lose it, and I can't lose it in front of Swann.

"Wh-what are you doing here, Swanny?" I force myself to say.

"You need a guardian, Pal. It's clear; look at you." Swanny smiles to me; it's hard to admit it, but it's good to see a genuine smile. "Besides, I'm your emergency contact now, remember?" he makes me glance at the board near the door.

_Why did I have the stupid idea to put his name on that thing?_

"Yeah, thanks, man-" I have to admit I'm relieved, but I can't go on talking that a stinging pain hits me, leaving me out of breath.

"Hey, you okay? Do you need a doctor?" I sense concern in Swanny's voice, and now, a hint of pity appears.

I can't stand that, and I want to reassure him, but dang, I can barely breathe through the pain.

I grit my teeth, "I'm fine..." I force myself to say as I need to show him I'm strong. _Hell, that's why I wanna be alone!_

I feel that he's only pretending to believe me, but that's enough for me right now. I can't do better than that, and he knows. He knows and he understands.

"You don't have to babysit me, you know that, right?" I need to be alone now, but I don't know how to tell him.

_Hell I really want to be alone now_!

"We're team guys, we stick together." Swanny's words should reassure me. _Well, they don't. _Not now.

_What if I won't be able to be a team guy anymore?_

_**... ... ...**_

**A real nightmare** **/ Sonny's POV**

_This damn bar is so crowded; crowded of injured and scared people. I feel dust in my mouth and smell of blood and sweat in my nose. I can hear people crying, but aside from that, a creepy silence is in the air. _

_All that until a loud explosion goes by. _

_Hell, Clay is out there, and my blood runs cold. _

_I run out; I see my brother laying on the concrete. My heart stops, and I run faster while the hot, dusty air penetrates my nostrils. _

_I keep running, but I can't get to him._

_I run and run, but I never reach him. He is right there, motionless, not breathing, and alone._

Suddenly my eyes pop open, and I immediately realize I must fall asleep on the way back to the base after the last training session. I'm not in Manila anymore, nor in that bar. Now, I'm on a military vehicle with the guys reaching the Guam base. _Well, not _all_ the guys..._

Clay is not here;I let out a sigh. My heart skips a beat every time this thought hits me. We miss a brother.

Right now Clay is alone, and we have not been able to reach out for him.  
This is just like my nightmare; I can't reach him and I don't know if his heart is still beating, beating the right way, at least.

I look down at my cell phone, nothing new. _Come on, Kid, answer that damn phone! I need to hear your voice!_

He can't, or he doesn't want to answer us, and I don't know what option worries me the most.

I'm in a pool of sweat, and not just for the training or the hot air. Now I find myself clenching my fists; I can't stay here doing nothing.

Fortunately, no one here seems to care about my rude awakening or my frustration that's about to explode; that's good, I really don't wanna explain my nightmare to them.

What I need is revenge for my brother_. Hell, I'm so tired of sitting on my hands; I _need_ the man responsible for all this to pay._

_**... ... ...**_

**Grit your teeth / Clay's POV**

I hate this damn hospital room, my thoughts are too heavy to handle in here. Everything I see, everything I feel, it all reminds me how helpless and powerless I am.

Every single day the doctors reminds me that I need time to recover and that my recovery may never be complete. These words hit me every time, but I can't surrender to that, even if they sting my heart Every Single Time.

_No!_ I'm not gonna stop trying! Not until they tell me I can go back to Bravo. _They _need _to tell me I can go back to Bravo._

It's been almost a month, and I am not allowed to do anything; not even going to the bathroom on my own. _Well, at least I don't have to relieve myself in the pan anymore_...

_Yeah, what a consolation_!

Lost in my thought, I jump at the sudden sound of my phone vibrating. I glance at it, Sonny has just sent me a text. Yet another one. And Jason did the same a while ago, and the rest of the Team before him again and again, but I didn't even acknowledge them.

I'm not gonna read them. _At what point? I'm not gonna answer them_ _anyway_.  
I can't tell them that I don't know if I ever come back to them. I can't tell them I'm not strong enough; I can't hear their sorry voices nor look at their expression changing from pity to sorrow to delusion.

I can't disappoint them.

I can't tell them the final goodbye.

I find myself sighing. _Who knows what they are doing now_? _Where my family is right now_... They sure are getting their hands dirty, catching bad guys and all, having all the action while I'm here alone.

_Will I ever be able to do that again?_

The possibility that I don't weighs on my heart every day more, but thank God_, _I have P.T. now. I _need_ a distraction; I need to move_, _to do something or I'm gonna go crazy here.

A nurse gets in the room with a wheelchair. I barely look at her, my eyes are fixed on the damn _thing_.  
I hate that sight; I hate that wheelchair! I can't stand needing that damn thing anymore. _I hate needing help_. I can't stand this whole situation, _I hate all this!_

I can hear the nurse's firm voice in the background, but I don't really care about what she's telling me; I'm too focused on the task of getting out of this damn bed.

The woman helps me removing my covers, and I see them: _my legs.._.

Bless the day I was finally able to get rid of that damn gown, I could not stand the sight of my livid legs and heavily dressed tights anymore. And even if this track suit I'm wearing now is nothing like the second skin my uniform is to me, it's still an improvement.

_Gosh, I just hope I will be able to wear a uniform again..._

_Ugh, I don't know!_ But I can't think I won't be, not now, so I just grit my teeth, and start to move.

The only thing I know at this precise moment is that the nurse has to help me get down from here. It's not just that I'm not allowed to move on my own, it's that I'm not _able_ to.

_Hell, I am crippled!_ I just hate all this, not being me anymore.

_No, Clay, you won't stop trying_.

"Let's go." I help my legs out of bed, and lean on the woman to transfer me to the chair.

My left foot touches the ground first, then the right one, and hell, if the nurse was not there I would be on the floor right now. I have to lean my weight completely on that slim figure while she helps me on the damn wheelchair.

This is definitely not gonna be an easy day_, _and I feel discouraged; I feel useless.

_No!_ P.T. is waiting for me,_ and I'm gonna rock it_. _Come on!_

_**...**_

The only thing that keeps me up while the nurse pushes my stupid body on this stupid wheelchair toward the gym is that I need to be back on my feet; I'm not ready to surrender. No matter what the doctors say, I'm gonna be back on Bravo; they will have to clear me for active duty. _They just must to._

"Hey, Clay," Lucas, my therapist, welcomes me. "Are you ready for the next step?"

Till now, I was only allowed to do some light exercises. For sure, a great improvement from laying down and having someone moving my legs for me like the first few days of my recovery, but they were still very light exercises, nothing compared to the training session back with the team.

Till this moment, I have not been allowed to do more.  
No, I was _not able_ to do more.

I'm weak, and despite the exercises were that light they still hurt as hell. That makes me feel even weaker, but I can't stop. Today, I'm gonna raise the bar, even if I'm not sure I'm ready for it...

_No_, _it will not be an easy day, but I'm ready to rock it_.

My task today will be walking back and forth a hand-railed corridor, and believe me, it's not gonna be as easy as it seems.

"Come on, let's do this!"I try to get up, but Lucas stops me; first, he has to put a damn belt around my waist, so he can help me stand.

_A leash. This thing it's a freaking leash._ I feel Lucas pulling the belt while I get up from the wheelchair and I grab the handrails.

I move in baby steps, I drag my ass to the end of the mats that compose the floor of the small corridor.

_Hell, it hurts!_

I try to suck it up; I feel Lucas strong presence beside me and I try to not let him see how much I'm suffering. I'm so sick of being told to describe my pain and to hold on_._ _It's easy to say that, It's my pain, not his; he doesn't know how it is, and there's not meaning in telling him._

Talking about it will not make it go away. But of course I'm holding on. _I'll never give up_!

"Describe the pain," he says again, and I want to punch him every time he does, but I can't. My arms are trembling as I force my muscle to sustain my weight; my legs are unreliable, and if I loosen my grip on the handrail I'm gonna go down.

_And I can't go down._

Just a couple more baby steps and I'm at the end of the corridor. And now I have to turn, so I take a deep breath and I rely on Lucas' hold while slowly turning back.

_Here we go again, let's go!_ I drag my left foot ahead, then the right one; one little step after the other. _Hell, it hurts, but I'm not gonna go down._

Until I am.

My right leg suddenly gives way under me, and as I tighten the grip on the handrails I feel the damn leash pulled strongly. If it wasn't for Lucas' hold, I would be facing the ground right now.

"It's okay, Clay. I'm right here; you can do this." I sense him making sure I'm stable on my feet, but I can't look at him.

This is humiliating; _I can't be so weak!_

And still, I am.

No, I can't stop. I won't stop. _I can't fail_.

And still, I am failing_._

"Ready?" I hear Lucas' voice coming from the distance, and I slowly resume moving.

It takes me ten minutes just to go back and forth one single time. Two meters coming and two meters going back, and it takes me that infinite amount of time. _Have you any idea how far I could go just a month ago if you gave me ten minutes?_ I think I'm starting to forget that.

"How are you feeling? You need a break?" Lucas keeps holding me by that damn leash.

"Let's do this; I'm fine." Actually, I'm not.

I wanna stop so bad; my legs hurt, my arms ache, and I'm short of breath, but I'm not gonna surrender. _I need to get back on my feet._ For real. I need to feel a man again.

A 20 minute session is all I was able to do today. _And_ _what hell of 20 minutes!_ My legs are in flames now, and just for walking that small corridor a couple times.

I'm failing big, and I can't accept I'm failing like this.

_**...**_

Frustration and humiliation mix up with the constant feeling of failure while the nurse drives me back to my room in my wheelchair, and my legs hurt way too much to stand.

_The doctors are never gonna clear me for active duty like this_, but I need to go back to my Team.  
I _need_ it; I need_ them._

"Wow, Clay; what did they make you do?" Swanny's voice comes from my back, so I turn to him while the nurse stops pushing my wheelchair.

"You look like crap." His smirk irritates me.

I turn again, I have nothing to say to Swann. I can't tell him how the P.T. actually went. _I just can't._

"I got him." I hear him saying, and before I can protest, the nurse leave her place to him.

"You don't have to do this, Swann."

"Well, since I'm here, let me help as well." He gets a point, I would behave the same way. Helping each other is what we do.

We reach my room, and he blocks the wheelchair beside my bed. My legs still hurt for the therapy session, and I am not ready to get up again, but I really need to get my feet up.

Swanny reaches his hand out to me, but I just can't take it. I need to show him that I can do this.  
No, I need to show _me_ that I can do this. So I force my weigh on the chair, my arms shaking while trying to keep my grip strong, and I slowly stretch my legs to get up.

Swanny is always there beside me. I sense his presence, I feel his look on me, and his concern permeates the air.

My knees are weak, my legs shake. _Hell, I am gonna fall_.

The pain is too strong; I have to sit up again. _I failed._ I can't even get to bed on my own.

_I'm a complete failure._ I can't even look up from my damn useless body.

_Hell!_ _I just want to- to... Hell! I don't know!_ I just need to get out of here, I need to be myself again and I can't.

Now even my chest hurts; I just hope Swanny doesn't notice that.

"Here, lean on me," he says, and I'm not able to stand Swanny's look while I hold on him and let him help me.

I feel his warm breath on my neck while he grabs me in a strong hug; I feel his arms and his body sustaining the most of my weight, and finally, I succeed in landing my ass on the bed.

"Thanks," I clear my throat, and for a small second I cross my look with him. Damn it! I can't stand to show myself so weak.

Now I have to use my hands to help my legs on the bed, and while I'm doing that I feel Swanny's touch on me, again; he is helping me again.  
I would like to tell him to back off so badly, but I can't. I actually need him, I need his help.

_I need help doing the most simple things, no one will want me back on the team like this. I'll be useless; I'll be dangerous!_

_I'm tired now, I'm so tired_. I wanna scream, but I can't even talk to Swanny; I just wanna stop thinking. I wanna stop these feelings, I wanna stop suffering.

And I can't. I only have to adjust to this new life, the doctors say.

_Hell, no! I'm not! I'm gonna be back on my feet. I will. That's a promise._

_**... ... ...**_

**I miss a part of me / Sonny's POV**

The bar seems void without Clay. I'm here with the guys, playing stupid games and drinking beers, but it's not the same without my favorite target.

_Damn, I miss him so much; why can't he pick up the damn phone? He's making me worry like hell._

It's so weird here without him. Thinking of it, the last time we were all together in a bar, the place blew up. _I don't like this memory. _I need a drink.

I can't stand this; I take my phone to call my brother, but Ray stops me.

_Who the hell does he think he is? He doesn't know a damn thing about this!_

If Clay is stable as Blackburn says, why can't he return a damn phone call? _Are they hiding things from us? Or is Clay avoiding us? But why?_ I need to know what's going on in that smart, quick-thinking, little brain he has.

Jason tells me I have to let Clay handle things his way, that I need to leave him alone. _Hell, no! I can't leave him alone_. Not again, the last time I did, we ended up like this.

Now, Ray is saying I can't understand what kind of hell Clay is going through. _Okay, he may be right, but how can he know?_ _How can we know if all Clay needs right now is a kick in his baby ass?_

Does Ray seriously think I'm so stupid to go to Clay bragging about crazy actions he can't do. Besides, there is nothing to brag about, we are here sitting on our asses while the man responsible for all that is still out there.

I just want to hear my little brother's voice, to tease him a little, lift his spirit up. I bet he needs that. I _know_ he needs that. He needs us, and he must know that. _Why can't he lean on us?_

This ain't right, it's not right that I'm not there to kick his ass out of his apathy.

_Hell, I don't care what they say, I need to reach out for Clay. _I take the excuse to go peeing, and when I'm out of my brother's sight, I dial that number.

_Hell, Clay, pick up the damn phone, come on!_ But he doesn't, and now I find myself leaving him a drunk voice mail.

_Come on, Clay, I need to hear your voice._

_**... ... ...**_

**A choice I don't have / Clay's POV**

_I'm so bored!_ I find myself fumbling with the clicker in my hands while I watch baseball on TV. I don't even care what teams are playing, the only reason I keep watching is to not think.  
Right now, I'm even more bored than during that mission on the Afghan-Iranian border, where Sonny dared me to do the cracker challenge.

_That time I lost_. I find myself huffing, _I hate losing_. But I'm even smiling, just a little, at the thought I need to repay him some way. _Well, I won all the bets he proposed me back in Manila_...

_Don't go farther, Clay!_ I can't stand to not know if I'm ever gonna be able to deal with Sonny's teases again, and now, I miss even those stupid, boring missions.

_Stop it, Clay, the game is starting, just focus on that. Clear your mind, stop the thinking._

And I do; well, sort of, because my mind keeps shifting back to those painful memories until a knock shakes me off of them.

Before I can look up, Davis' voice reaches my ears. Now, my instinct tells me to hold my breath.  
_Hell, I can't deal with her now_.

I briefly cross my look with her, then I glance down at my body. I don't even try to move for her; I can't anyway.

She starts to settle in, leaving a stuffed baby seal on the mobile table. _Does she really think it's funny?_ It just reminds me that Bravo treated me like a baby SEAL, and now I may not even be an actual SEAL anymore.

_Hell, I don't want Davis here._ I can't stand her look, I see pity in her eyes, and I can't stand to be pitied. I can't stand to show her how weak my body is.

So I ask her about OCS, to drag this conversation away from me. I'm not ready to talk about my rehab, or my feelings, or anything at all.

I try to control a shiver while Davis sits on the edge of my bed and looks down to _them_. I feel her eyes posing on my legs, I see her expression change, her eyes filling with doubts. The look of pity is more and more clear.

When she opens her mouth, even before any sound comes out of it, I know where she wanna go. That's a direction I don't wanna take, and I hold my breath, praying she doesn't actually go there.  
But she does, she ask me about _them_, about my recovery.

I can't talk about _that_. I can't broach the subject with her. _Hell, I can't broach the subject even to myself. _I just can't and I cut her short.

I can see I hit her, but I can't do nothing about that, not now; I was hit harder by her question. Now, I just try to shift the conversation back to her and her experience at OCS.  
'D.O.R', as this word comes out of her mouth, I don't know what to think. The Davis I knew would never do that; what happened to her?

I feel the anger building in me, _how can she talk about failure while she has nothing wrong? _

While she tries to explain to me why she had this stupid idea of quitting, I feel my chest hurting. _I would give _anything_ to be at her place, to have the chance of keeping chasing my dream, and she is considering to give that up? _

_I can't accept that! _How can she look me in the eyes and tell me that?

I feel my throat closing, my hands itching, and the blood boiling in my veins, but the looks she has on her face right now kills me. I must hit her really hard this time; maybe I was too harsh, but damn, how can she walk in and tell me she wants to surrender while I'm here, not able to even walk?

She was given a choice that was forbidden to me and she is wasting it. She has a chance I would die to have, and she is throwing it away.

No, she is stronger than this, and she is smarter than this. I know that, how can't she see that?

And now she can't even look at me anymore and she walks away without looking back. This makes my heart clench, I need to say something. _No, I can't let her go like this_!

I call for her attention, I need to explain myself to her. And now I'm the one who can barely watch her in the eyes, but I need her to know she is strong and she can do it.

I try to tell her, but when she walks away from me, the look she still has on her face it's like a stab in my stomach.

_Hell, I hate this situation! I'm just so useless..._

_**... ... ...**_

**Home? / Clay's POV**

This hospital gym smells like sweat and sorrow. I hate this place, I hate having to walk back and forth this damn hand-railed corridor.

My hands are sticky, and all my muscles ache. I hate the pain I'm feeling, and I hate even more Lucas telling me to describe it. _I don't wanna share my pain, I just want it to go away!_

Dragging my ass, I can't believe Swanny is still here with me, watching me and teasing me.

_This is just what a brother does_. I can feel him, but I'm not gonna tell him. That's not how we work.

I'm sweating and I'm tired, but I grit my teeth and I move the last few steps before Lucas tells me I can stop.

_Thank God I can stop_. Nobody cares, work harder, yes, but I need a break. Even if Swanny seems he won't give me that. Well, again, _that's exactly what brothers do_.

While I watch my friend settle the wheelchair ready for me, Lucas' words hit me like a lightning. I reached my inpatient rehabilitation benchmark, he says.

_Did he mean... Did he just say I can go home?_

I can go home.

I can't believe my ears. My heart skips a beat, my legs get weak, well, weaker, if it's even possible.

I'm going home.

Once again, it appears I forgot to breathe, and I find myself relieving in a loud sigh.

I feel Swanny's supporting touch on my shoulders; he is taking me home.

_Yes, home..._ The same home I left for sleeping in the cages. That home is just the place I left for being all in with the job, and now that I can't do that anymore, it will be only an empty shell.

Like me. As empty as I feel when I think I'm not Bravo anymore.

_So what happens next?_

_Hell, I'm scared! _I don't wanna go home.

I need to, and I feel I need to. I must move on, and I can't wait. Really, I can't, this damn hospital air suffocates me, but still... _Am I ready to leave? Am I ready to not have the nurses' help? To move on my own, to bear everything on my own?_

I need to prove I'm ready. I need to move on so bad, and still, I'm damn scared.  
_Gosh, I am a SEAL, I can't be scared!_

_And still I am._

_**... ... ...**_


	4. Tag 2x18, Pt2

_**... ... ...**_

_**The**_** action, finally / Sonny's POV**

_We're about to get him, Clay!_ This firm thought accompanies me while walking toward the damn barrack in the middle of the jungle.  
We are about to get revenge for our brother. Finally!

Inside the crapped building, we have to split, Jason's orders.

As my group put eyes on the damn Pacada and his men, they open fire. I follow Ray into the room, bullets keep flying as we fire back, but in a flash, we have him.

_We freaking got him!_

It's better if they keep him away from me, or else I don't know what I can do.  
_Wait_, _that's not good,_ Ray must have felt that too because now he's on the man, hitting the crap out of him.

_Should I stop him?_

I'm conflicted. _Why should I stop him? Why should I care about the man who took Clay out?_

A few months ago, I would have surrendered to my first instinct, like Ray did, even if it blows my mind thinking that _that_ was _his_ first instinct. So while I watch Ray hitting the man again and again, a part of me thinks that's right.

_Okay, no_, _I can't let him go on like this_. I lock eyes with my other brothers, and we instantaneously know what to do. We move in unison, the guys take the damn man, I get Ray.

"Easy man, easy." I hold him, but Ray immediately free himself from my grab.

_Hell, why should I protect this Pacada_? I do not care for him, but I do care for my brother.

"I'm calm, let's go," Ray says, moving to reach Jason and the rest of Bravo. _Not all Bravo; not Clay._

That's our revenge; for sure, the man won't forget about us, but now, I can't help but feel something is seriously wrong with Ray. I have never seen him behave like this. _Never_. He's spiraling down, and it's not just for what happened to Clay.

When we reach Jason and he questions us on what happened to the man, Ray takes the lead. "He fell," he says, and I sense Jason's heavy look on me, but this is not the place nor the time to say what's in my mind.

_Hey, for sure the man deserved it_. I'm not gonna lose any sleep for this.

What will make me lose my sleep is letting Pacada's cell get away with whatever their plan is, which is exactly what the command is ordering us.

Yes, we have the man directly responsible for what happened to Clay, but we can't let these other men get away and risk more lives.

_This is our job, saving lives! _That's what we're gonna do, and if in the meantime the people that hurt my brother get in the middle, well too bad for them.

_Hell yeah, it's payback time_!

_**... ... ...**_

**Too much, too soon / Clay's POV **

I walk down my hall. _My hall..._ It's weird to say, it's been far over a month since the last time I was here.

To say it all, I'm not even _walking_, I'm dragging my ass, leaned on a stupid walker. I can't stand alone, the doctor made it clear before discharging me, and this pain I feel remarks that.

And now, Swanny is even taking that stupid shower chair with him? _Oh, no, that I'm not gonna use! _I'm not that bad.

_I'm not..._

Just a few meters from Swanny's truck to this point, and I'm damn tired. _My legs hurt; I need to sit. And no, not on that stupid chair, I'm not that desperate yet. _I just wanna go in.

_Go home._

I really need to get off my feet, but Swanny says he needs 30 seconds to clean up. _Come on man, I can't hold, it hurts! _It's hard to admit that out loud, but I _need_ to get in.

No, I'm not gonna stay out here, waiting for someone to see me like... _this_. I'm not waiting till someone stops by and makes me tell my story and tell out loud that I may never operate again.

_I'm not. _

I look around, hoping no one pass by. _I need to get in_.

Swanny opens the door and rush inside while I slowly drag my ass to the doorstep. I hold my breath as the wood opening reveals the inside of my apartment. I'm haunted by a millions feelings for being home after so long.

And then I got in and..._ Oh, my! What the hell is this?_ This is no mess; this is something else. All these post-its, all these cards. _What the hell is happening here?_

I'm out of this, I don't know what to think. Shall I worry for Swanny? This is not the first time he shows memory problems, but this... _this is a whole new level!_

He tries to shift the focus back on me, but I'm overwhelmed by all that's happening, I can't focus. My head is clogged, and my heart too.

It's so weird to be home, to be here; I'm suffocated by the sensation I'm missing something, but at least I'm home.

I move a couple of steps, and my right leg gave way under me. _Holy crap! I forgot that stupid walker!_

I'm falling, lost and powerless.

My heart stops till I find myself in Swanny's arms. Thank God, he was right there to catch me, putting me back on my feet. My heart pounds now.

That little, endless fraction when I lost my balance, I just felt screwed. I just felt wasted.

I hold on Swanny; I feel his hands on me, I sense his kind and strong touch, and his support.  
My muscles shakes while I free myself from my friend's warm grip and lean my weight on the dang walker again.

_How can I get worse that this? Look at me!_

Swanny helps me sit on the couch. I never felt so weak in my whole life.

_I can't stand to be so weak!_

Now, my attention gets caught by all the medicine on the coffee table. _Hell, Swanny! How many pills do you have to take?_

I understand that he doesn't want to talk about that. I really feel for him, but this... this whole situation is just a big mess. We're so screwed up.

We both are, but at least we're screwed up together, right? _Hold on that Clay..._

And then my heart clenches._ Wait a minute, am I seeing a glimpse of my future?_

_**... ... ...**_

**Keep the Team together / Sonny's POV**

As much as I hate the jungle I'm gonna suck it up. _This time, Sonny won't whine_. This is gonna be the takedown of all the takedowns. _This is for Clay_.

_Hell, I wish that blond monkey was here to see this!_

The guys always tease me on my list of phobias, and I always tell them I'm not afraid of anything, that I can deal with everything if I am dared to.

Well, I just discovered it's not true.

Now I'm scared. I'm afraid that Clay will not be back with us. _Hell, I pushed him in this damn situation, and now I can do anything to help him out._

Here, alone with Jason, it's my chance to let this guilt out of my chest. I really feel a hole right here at the center of my heart, a hole made bigger by the fact that we can't reach _him_, a pain made worst by the throbbing sensation that I pulled my brother in that situation.

_Run to the danger is what we do. _I know_. _But still, this ain't right!

The thought I should say something, I should hold him back, makes my heart bleed. Jason can say it was the Team Leader's responsibility all he wants, but the truth is that I was the one who had the opportunity to protect him, and I didn't.

"One more thing," Jason says. He shift our attention off of our little brother's condition and reproach me about how I treated the stupid Pacada.

_Hell, Jace! I didn't_ _do anything! _I think the man deserved it, but I didn't give him that. "It wasn't me."

_It was Ray, _I read the pain of the sudden realization in his eyes.

"Ray is losing it, and I'm worried about him." It's hard to say that, but I need to. Maybe as the Team Leader, Jace should focus on that, on something that he can resolve before another 'bomb' blows on us.

I'm seriously worried, and the feeling something ain't right is in my bones. _We cannot lose another brother. _We can not_. _

_I _can not!

_**... ... ...**_

**Flag stays put / Clay's POV**

A whole year as Bravo; eight years in the NAVY; an entire life of listening to my dad's combat stories, of reading his books, of learning how to be a better SEAL. _That's what I am_.

What I was...

_What do I have left now?_ I'm losing everything.

Every corner of my place reminds me what I lost. Of course I'm still a proud American, I always will be, but all the frames, all the stuff around me, they remind me what I lost.

I drag my tired ass to my room. One baby step after the other while I lean on this damn walker. Every second more, the pain grows in me.

No, not in my legs; well, not just in my legs, but in my soul.

_This weight is something else._

That life was _all _my life, and I feel like someone is tearing my soul apart. I try to fight, but this pain is something else, something I never felt.

This flag above my bed is the strongest reminder of what I was and I may never be able to be.

_I can't... I need to take it off!_

I approach the wall and I reach my hand out. _Hell, I can't reach the flag. _Looking around in search of a solution, I can't stand that sight anymore.

_I'm losing something more than a stupid career._

I put one hand on the walker and the other on the back of a chair, so I can climb that wall to reach out for the flag. I try to put my left knee on the chair; I try to jump up, but my right leg hurt, and my left one can't sustain my weight.

Hell, I can't remove my arms from the supports to reach out for the flag and take it down.

_I'm failing again!_

A grunt escapes me, and I hit the stupid walker. _Why can't I just get rid of _all_ this?_

This pain is too strong to handle. My heart has a hole in it that I don't think will ever be repaired.

Swanny's voice startles me, and a ball of sorrow fills my throat as he appears at my back. He wants to know what I'm doing.

_Yes, Clay, what are you doing here? _Oh_, _I don't know what to tell him. I look down, _I don't actually know_.

My voice can't come out straight, I find myself bubbling and a pathetic cry for help is all that comes out. _Please, Swanny, take this flag off. Just please!_

I feel I'm losing it; I fight the tears forming in my eyes. _Man up Clay! It's just a _stupid_ flag._

As these words form in my mind my heart stops beating and clenches in my chest. _Stop!_

Did I just called _stupid_ the thing I have fought for during the last eight years of my life? The thing that kept me fighting and coming back home every single time? The thing that represents my Country, my pride, my Family?

_Dang, Clay, where the hell are you going? Who the hell are you becoming?_ I keep feeling Swanny's severe gaze on me.

The flag is not stupid at all, it's still the most important thing in my life, and now that I'm losing it, it's painful as hell.

_Come on, Swanny, why can't you just help me? Just take the thing down, I can't live with it before my eyes knowing it's not mine anymore._

This is exactly like when I came back from Mexico and I got rid of all Stella's stuff. I need to do that, why can't Swanny understand?

This flag is a reminder of what I loved so bad, and now is lost. _I'm not Bravo anymore. Hell, I don't feel a man anymore, come on, look at me!_

And now Swanny is standing there telling me how tough and painful it was for him too? I get he is trying to show me I'm not alone, _but that's what I feel_.

This doesn't work. How can he know how hard this hits me? Swanny lived a full life of service, a whole career, and he still has all his body intact. He is standing there on his own two feet, telling me it was tough while I'm not even able to stand alone.

I barely tasted what that life could be, what that legacy could be, and I'm already losing it. _I'm losing me._

"The only one acting like he's leaving is you." These words leaving Swanny's mouth hit me hard to the core.

_Is that true?_ _Am I really surrendering? Am I really giving up when there still is hope?_

Swanny tells me to hold on to Bravo as long as I can, and for now I still can. My mates are trying so hard to reach out for me, I am the one who decided to shut them out.

_But I'm so ashamed of... this... of me being so weak... _I can barely look at Swanny, but I can also barely look down at my body.

"When you're really out, you'll realize the Team was everything you had." Swanny's words keep hitting the point, and this rip another hole in my heart.

This is so hard to swallow down. I grit my teeth, I tighten the grip on the walker so stiff that it hurts.

I remember that Adam said to me once, "You'll realize the Team is all you need."

He was right. But now... _this_.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm lost and I don't know what to think. My blood boils at the feeling that someone's trying to tear that from me.

_The Team _is_ all I have... All I _had_... _

_Just _all_ to me._

I can't look Swanny in the eyes as he passes by me, saying that the flag stays put. I silently watch him leaving my room and then I painfully look at that holy symbol.

_Hold on to this. Hold on to this flag, to Bravo, to your brothers. It's not the end. _This is what I need to get out of this hole I'm digging myself into.

What Swanny made me realize is that it's still not the time to give up. I need to lean on my brothers, I need to hold on to the hope of coming back to the Team.

I need to live one day after the other; to not let the past haunt me; to not let the fear of the feature suffocate me.

Bravo is still all I have, and I'm gonna fight for it. Through the pain, through the sorrow, through anything.

_I am still all in, and I'm gonna be since I can fight for it; _I only need to find the right weapons and the right allies.

_I'm never gonna stop!_

_**... ... ...**_

**The damn call / Sonny's POV**

Sitting by the counter of this bar with Brock and Trent drinking beers, I still miss something.

_Not something, _I know exactly what I miss; It's someone. _We're missing a brother._

I need to reach him, so I get out, and with the cool breeze caressing my skin I take my phone out and dial Clay's number. My heart stops at the first ring; I hold my breath.

When his baby face appears on my phone, my heart fills. _Clay picked up the damn face time call! _I explode with joy as his greeting reaches my ears.  
Relieve permeates every inch of my body, seeing him up and talking. I feel a stupidly wide smile drawing on my face, and I can't stop looking at the brightening smirk on Clay's.

_I miss that wiseass smirk so much I can't even describe how;_ I was seriously starting to fear I could not ever see it again.

_"It's everything okay there?"_ Clay asks me as he should be the worried one.

"That's my line, Kid. How are you doing there, are you home?"

"You're very observant." Clay looks around.

It's damn good to see him, to hear his voice.

"What about you? I bet you're drinking, right?" He keep smirking.

"Hey, can you see this crap place?" I get into the bar and draw Trent and Brock's attention while showing Clay the surroundings. "The only good thing here is the happy hour."

I reach Jason and Ray, and the huge, dazzling smile Clay prints on his face seeing the whole Team there on the screen is something that makes my heart full for the first time since the blowing.

But then, there it is, I spot that little something, that little seriousness in his eyes and in his voice. My heart clenches at his apology for not having called us back for this long.  
Well, I should be pissed for the hell he has put me through with his radio silence, but looking at his baby blue eyes begging for forgiveness, I just can't.

Ray was right, God knows what kind of hell he was going through in the first place, but now, he is out of it.  
I can only nod at Jason's words, the only matters here is that Clay is home and has finally found the strength to reach for us.

Clay says he will have his first outpatient rehab session in a couple hours. Worlds collide in me realizing that means that he just got out from the hospital. _Hell, he spent a whole month there? All alone?_ My heart bleeds, and the thought that he still has rehab to do, that he's not yet out of that, hits me too.

The only thing that prevents this news to wipe my smile from my face is that Clay himself has not stopped smiling. He can talk about rehab with us while a genuine grin is still printed on his face.  
Since two minutes ago, he could not even answer the phone, but now, he is himself again.

Once again, mixed emotions hit me when he asks about out routine.  
I'm so glad I can tell him we took care of the man responsible for what happened to him, but still, talking about this reopens the wound I have in my heart.

The death blow arrives as Clay tells us he wished he could be with us. Hell, I feel a lump in my throat; of course we wish he could be with us too.

We are all serious now, Clay has that dismissive expression that scares me again. I can't talk, but I don't need to as Jace takes the lead. _Clay is always here with us, even when he's not_. Jason could not say it better.

At these words I see Clay's expression change again, he put on his usual smirk, but I know him too well to buy it. There is something there, this profound sadness that reaches my soul through the screen.

_Hang in there, Brother! You're not alone._

_**... ... ...**_

**Hanging up, Hanging on / Clay's POV**

Sitting on my bed, I finally find the courage to answer Sonny's call. _Swanny was right, I can't shut them out. _I did not lose them yet.

_Not yet._

I prepare myself to show Bravo Team the best version of me, not the ghost I was during the last month, and then I press that button.

The semi-drunk Sonny appears on the screen. I missed those sparkling, light eyes so much it's hard to admit, and by the time all my brothers appear on my tablet I don't even have to pretend I'm smiling 'cause I find my lips disclosed in the most heartwarming smile I had on in ages.

It's hard to remember why I didn't want to answer their calls; it's so damn good to hear their voices and to read their faces.

_Thant's my Family. That's my whole world_.

My voice fatigues to come out as I try to apologize for my radio silence. I'm so ashamed of that, of my reaction, and it's so reassuring to hear that they can understand.

_They always do._

Now Sonny tells me how they handled the man that blow me up. _Thanks brothers._  
I have never doubted them, not even for a single, tiny second, but I wish I could be there. My heart fails again, I can feel the hole reopening, but I don't wanna my brothers to see that.

"You are always here," Jason says, and I can sense all Bravo members feel the same.

Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't feel that; I fatigue to keep the smirk on.  
I'm a little lost, but I don't want them to see that in my eyes. I can't let them read my soul this way, so I try to put another smile on, and I hope they buy that.

This call is supposed to give me strength and give them reassurance. I decided to play this way. All I have to do is to put on a warming smile, so we can keep talking for a few more minutes, but as soon as the screen turns black, the pain of being alone in this room hits me again.

_I'm not Bravo anymore._ This is what this empty room reminds me.

I take a deep breath, glancing back at the flag. I think about the rehab session waiting for me, and I let out a sigh.

_I'm not Bravo for now. Just for now!_

_**... ... ...**_

**The reminder / Clay's POV **

After that call with my brothers, I thought I was ready to start the outpatient rehabilitation. I was so thrilled to start and go through anything it would take to bring me back to Bravo, but something didn't go as planned.

I tried hard, but things were not easy at all. I thought I was more ready.

Sitting silently in Swanny's truck, I don't even pay attention to what he says to me. I'm sure it's nothing important anyway, just his attempt to cheer me up. _But I'm too tired, and sticky, and I thought it would go better than this._

I wanna hold on the positive thinking and all, but it's tough, and I just thought my recovery would be faster. I'm so disappointed with me, _I hoped I would recover faster!_

Despite all the doctors saying that I may not heal completely, I kept holding on the hope I will, but now, I have to be honest with myself. I'm not scared of working harder, I'm scared that all my efforts will not be enough.

_No, Clay, stop it_! I shake the negativity off while Swanny parks the truck, and I slowly proceed to my apartment.

"Come on, Pal, shower time," Swanny says to me as he closes the door behind us.

"Yeah, yeah, give me a minute." I know I need a shower. I would probably feel a lot better after wiping all the fatigue of the rehab session away, but I'm so tired I just wanna breathe for a moment, take my feet up or something.

I head to the couch with the damn walker still firm in my grip, but Swanny gets in my path. "You stink Clay, for real. You can sit in the shower chair if you're so drained."

This little teas hits me more than I'd like to admit because it's the truth; I'm gonna have to use that stupid chair.

I drag my ass to my room; I need to get undressed here 'cause in the bathroom I don't have the space to move with this dang thing in my way. Even if this stupid walker it's the only thing that keeps me standing, _ I hate it_.

Swanny waits for me outside. _Yes, I'm gonna need my friend's help to get in the shower._ This thought knocks me out, I'm not even able to get in the shower on my own...

I sit on the bed. Alright, sweater off, shirt off. They are not a problem, but now, I have to untie my shoes and get them off; that's not so easy. The smell that comes from them is not pleasant at all, but I surely smelled worse. So, despite that, I take a deep breath; I need a little concentration for what comes next.

I have to pull off my pants and boxers, this is a big deal for me right now. _Hell, this is a big deal for me right now!_

My legs hurt, they barely obey my will, and it drives me crazy that I struggle so much only to get undressed.  
I do it as fast as I can, which is not fast at all, I have to admit.  
I barely look down to pretend that the signs of the explosion aren't still there.

I don't wanna stop to think about that. _I can't._

I reach the shower, the logistic here is a little complicated though. Two adult men, a walker, a chair, this stupid little step that prevents me to be able to move on my own in here.

Swanny gets his job done quickly and leaves me alone to my much needed shower. Yes, I'm sitting on the damn shower chair now. I can't help it.

I feel shivers down my spine as the first drop of water touches my skin, but then it gets warmer and the feeling of being hit by the soft flow becomes so damn good.

For a little moment I abandon myself on the chair, trying to wipe all the fatigue and the soreness off my muscles. I close my eyes, I feel the hot water caressing my skin and it feels good.

I start massaging my body with the soap; eyes still closed. I keep enjoying the moment, but when my hands reach my thighs, I feel the scars on them and I sense the hard portion of skin embossed, and the injuries and the surgical incisions signs.

I stop breathing.

I wince as I touch them and pain awakens in me. My eyes open to them, and I don't like what I see.  
I don't like what these scars mean_._ I _hate_ what they remind me.

Suddenly, all my emotional restrains go off, and I find that it's not only the water that's marking my face. I find myself heavily sobbing.

My hands shake, posed on my thighs. I can't take my eyes off the big scar on my right leg. That thing is the strongest reminder of what happened to me.  
It's the strongest reminder of my weakness, of the possibility of losing my life, of the chance of losing my Family.

I can barely breathe through the sobs, through the pain.

I just keep crying.

_I can't stop crying._

"Clay?" Swanny's voice startles me, taking me back to the reality. "Clay are you alright in there, Pal?"

He comes to the doorstep, and I try to hold my breath, trying to control my shivering.

"Clay?" he insists, and I force out some kind of moaning to give him some sign of life.

"It's everything okay here?" Watching through the frosted glass that separates us, I see him coming in. "You are taking a lifetime, why are you not answering me?"

_Hell, he cannot see me like this. _I sniff, but I still fill the drips descending on my cheeks and I'm pretty sure it's not just water.

_Clay, man up!_

"I'm-I'm fine," I force my voice out. "Give me" -I clear my throat as I can't really speak- "just a minute."

_Come on, Clay, calm down!_

Swanny stands there, I can see his figure waiting for me and I pray that the sound of the water falling down is enough to cover for my cry.

I sniff again, and again. This ball of sorrow was waiting to get out for more than a month now, stuck in my throat since the very first moment I woke up in that damn hospital bed. And now, here I am, crying like a baby, shaking and sobbing hard until I have nothing more inside.

I force myself to pull things together, so I can finally get out of the shower, where Swanny is waiting for me, to help me.

_Hell, I hate needing help_. But now, I only hope he has not just seen all this. I can't stand the thought that he can see me so weak.

When I'm alone in my room again, I not so rapidly get dry and dressed. Now, sitting here on my bed I feel void, I feel my head light and my heart heavy.

_I just wanna go to bed._ I need to shut my mind.

_No! _I have to pull myself together, tomorrow the rehab continues.

_Tomorrow, I will be a day closer to go back to Bravo._

_**... ... ...**_

* * *

**_Author's note_**_: thank you for keep reading. If this was hard to write, what will come next is even harder.  
_


	5. Tag 2x19, Pt1

_**... ... ...**_

**The dark side of the moon** **/ Clay's POV**

While this stupid walker helps me drag my body out of my room, my heart starts pounding. The sounds of the action echo in the air, and my subconscious process the signal my ears pick up as the danger is behind the corner.

My body moves slowly while instead, my heart accelerates. I have to stop and breathe, trying to convince myself that this is all in my head, until I found out it's not. But the combat is not here either, and my heart rate can steady as I see that Swanny is watching some kind of recording on the TV.

I stand at his back; despite I'm dragging myself along my living-room, I try to keep quiet to respect his silence. Oh, it's not that I don't wanna know what the hell is going on in Brett's mind, but there are things a man need to deal with on his own, before being ready to open up to a brother.

The combat sounds are so loud that overcome my thoughts, but not loud enough to overcome the sorrow that invests me seeing my friend shaking in front of the TV. I feel him getting all tensed there, sitting uncomfortably on the coffee table, and I hold my breath while I completely lean my weight on the walker.

Now I have to tighten my grip on that stupid metal thing because the moment I understand exactly what is playing before my eyes my legs become even weaker.  
From the screen I hear Swanny's voice calling his brother.

"Nick!"

Even if I can't see my friend's face from where I'm standing, I can sense all his sorrow under my skin.

_"Nick?"_

Every time I hear Swanny's voice calling for his brother, my heart clenches.

_"Nick..." _

My heart clashes acknowledging I was watching the scene through the eyes of a dead man.  
And now, that body camera is still, like the body that was carrying it.

On the screen, Swann approaches his brother's corpse, and his cries reaches my souls.

_"Niiick!" _

The atmosphere in the recording is pretty dark, but I can see Swanny's expression in the instant he understood his brother was dead. That's the same face I saw on Ray when he ducked by Adam; that's the face I have already seen on too many brothers.

That makes me back to Adam sacrificing himself for us. For me. And I now find myself holding my breath just like I did when I was waiting for Ray to say he was gone. I will never forget how hard I hoped that _it_ did not happen, even if I knew from the cold I felt deep inside me that I just saw him dying.

My mind flies back to the field and to Sonny trapped in that damn Torpedo tube; to the face on Jason and Ray, and even on Blackburn while we waited outside that thing; back to my own heart stopping when we finally got Sonny out from that damn metal tomb, waiting for _his_ heart to start beating again.

It takes me back to the Green Team, and to that damn parachute jumping training. My mind runs back to when I heard that instructor saying that something was wrong, and I looked up to the sky, only to see one of my Buds falling down without control.

I will never forget the sound _he_ made landing on the ground. And perhaps what I heard was just my heart smashing, but I will never forget how it hurt me.  
I will never forget how I held my breath while the second group was taking off glasses and helmets, one after the other, and I understood it was Brian who did not make it.  
How my soul was trampled in that moment.

I recognize all that in Swanny now. I see him trembling and I hear him sobbing, and my heart resonates with him while I fight with tears forming in my own eyes.  
The combat sound keep playing in the distance, but I can sense the profound silence that must be in Swann's soul.

I swallow my sorrow, I'm not the matter now. I need to admit that Swanny is in a tougher spot than I thought, and maybe I was just too selfish to notice.

_But now, right now, I can do nothing_. I feel like if I interrupt this moment, he would shut down, and I won't be able to reach him.

_He knows I'm here when he is ready to share_. _I'll be here when he's ready,_ it's all I can do for now.

We are team guys; our pride, our strength, our training, it all makes this kind of things more difficult.  
We are taught to pass the losses, we are taught to take the hit and go on.  
Brett doesn't need to know that I'm seeing him like this. I don't think he would be able to let it out in front of me, and he needs to let it out.

I know that; I feel that; I've been that. _Maybe I still am_.  
That's why I now need to go to rehab now, hoping to find my friend _here_ when I came back.

_**... ... ...**_

**Fallen Eagle / Sonny's POV**

A serious atmosphere quickly spreads in the back of the plane as Blackburn and Mandy start to brief us on the urgent mission. She says that one of our men was cut off from his team and didn't make it back with them, and I feel for each and every one of those soldiers; that's exactly what I'v felt since the moment Clay was airlifted back to the States without us.

But there's more than that, Capitan Washington is not just lost and waiting for us to save his ass. Commander Blackburn informs us that the man's done waiting, and I sense all my brother's harts stop just like mine.  
I feel the silence echoing in the whole plane as the words _locate and secure the body_ come out of Mandy's mouth.

_Another fallen Eagle._ I feel the cold in my bones when my brain processes the instruction of the mission.  
This job is what it is, I know. We run into the danger; we fight; we win; we lose.  
We all knew what all this was about when we signed for it, but yet another fallen Eagle... I'm never prepared to hear these words.

With the tablet displaying the Capitan's picture still in my hands, I hear Blackburn telling us why we should go and get our man back before the extremists does. _Hell, he doesn't need to list those reasons, we perfectly know; no one is left behind._

Capitan Washington's family deserves to bury him. He deserves to be respected; he deserves to be honored. And we are gonna give him that. _No one is left behind!_

I'm the last one to leave the briefing, my eyes can't get off the Capitan's picture. He could have been any of us. He could have been me; even worst he could have been one of my brothers. I feel goose bumps on my arms, _that_ almost happened way too many times.  
Hell, we were so close to this happening to Clay just a few weeks ago.

_No, Sonny. Stop!_ That was not his time.  
_Not yet at least..._

_**... ... ...**_

**Holding on each other / Clay's POV**

I proudly walk down my hall with my new cane firm in my hand.  
_Oh, come on, proud of using a cane?_ _When did I become like this? What did they do to me?_

But hell, I am. I'm happy I finally got rid of the stupid walker; I'm happy because this cane means that I'm ready for a new step.  
_Now_, _I'm a little closer to going back to Bravo._

Just a little, because my therapist still won't commit me to make it back to my Team, and this pulls my spirit off, but he didn't say I won't either, so... _hold on the hope, Clay!_

_Yes. That's what I'm gonna do._

The first thing I see getting into my apartment is Swanny laying on the couch. Limping in, I see that he's not sleeping, but he's just dead-look staring at the turned off TV.  
It's a punch in my stomach to see him like this, so I try to tease him a little, like any brother would do, and I prick him with my new tool.

I wanna show him how positive I am, I wanna share with him the little light I have in me right now, till it's still there at least.  
I need him to share my progresses with me, and I may even need him to cheer me on my new program, like a little, friendly push more than the usual kick in the ass, I hope.

Moving along, the turned on stove catches my attention. Swann let it on yet another time. _Come on, man! Is it possible you can't focus on this simple task? _

_Gosh, is it possible he is this bad?_

While cleaning this mess here in the kitchen, I try to reproach him. I feel like I'm his grandpa now, and this stupid cane doesn't help with the image.  
The real problem here is that Swanny doesn't react. Either he doesn't care about the damn stove, or he's too ashamed to show he does. _I bet it's the second one, the team guy pride..._

It's immediately clear he doesn't want to pick up the subject, so I just go back to my problems. _Well,_ _maybe if I let him back me up with my doubts about going back to Bravo, he will lift his spirit up to lift mine. _I hope so, I need reassurance as much as I need to shake him off of this apathy.

So I try, I share my doubts with him, and my voice fatigues to get out straight as I tell him that my therapist still stick with the possibility I won't be back on the Team.  
I don't like to show me so insecure at all, but here I am, I trust him so.

And he does try to cheer me, in his own way at least. But I sense that something ain't completely right; yes, his words are reassuring, but his voice is cold and detached.  
I don't like the way he speaks about himself like something the Navy throw in some corner and forgot about.

The feeling I have not a single chance to cheer him up rapidly grows in me.

Suddenly, I notice a post-it on the fridge telling that he should be at the VA right now.  
_Did he forget? Doesn't he care?_

_Well, both these options are not good at all._

He jumps up when I remind him that Thursday is today and not tomorrow. I see him frowning, I see him sweating cold; frustration and shame are clear on his face now.  
It kills me to see him like this, and I don't know how to help him. _But he won't be alone in this, you can count on that._

_I'm here to help_.  
"Let's go, come on!" I say, slowly moving toward the door, always relying on the cane.  
That's exactly what I'm gonna be for Swanny, I'm gonna be his cane. I'm gonna push him to that appointment. _I'm not gonna let him quit._

_What's YODO? _He dodges the subject. It's okay, it must not be that important, but now, he can pretend he doesn't want my help all he wants, but I won't buy it. We come from the same stock, I know he needs me at his side just like I need him to be at mine.

_I'm not gonna let him alone._

_**... ... ...**_

**It's VA for Void and Awful? / Clay's POV**

Suddenly, I find myself in Sonny's clothes, whining about how Swann parked so distant from the door.

Yeah, I really miss Sonny's teasing, as well as all my Team's. They mess with me and I mess with them, that's how it works, and I didn't know how much I could miss all that.  
Now, I'm really glad I have that with Swanny here. I don't know what I would do without this messing around with each other.

It makes me still feel part of a family the way we can rely on each other, the way we're able to joke around the things that make us suffer.  
Holding on to that laugh, we advance, and fortunately for me, now, walking is not so painful anymore.

What unexpectedly hits me, is the man approaching us. He's a Vet, he show us an old photo of a guy in uniform. I think it's him, and the thought that's the only thing he has left from the service hurts my soul.  
I think the guy's homeless, and the way he is trying to connect with us makes him seem so desperate.

But what hits me harder than that sight is Swanny's cold tone cutting him short, the feeling that there's something behind makes me feel the goosebumps.

He says that you can't pay just one without feeling committed to pay all, and that _all_ makes me shiver. _How many of them there are? How many of _us_?_

We pass the gate, and with Swanny putting the light on how different this place is from the military hospital where I am treated, the sight of this rundown structure hurts me to the core.

Entering in here it's like entering a post office.  
_How can it be like this? How can this be what expects us after serving?_

I take advance to push a little on a serious conversation, the old action recording Swanny was watching lately, but he does not take the bait; he doesn't want to talk about the video. He only addresses of how he needs to remember his brothers, and I feel him deeply.

He says he needs to hold on to the memory of when he loved his life, and I can't feel more for him.

Now, we turn the corner and... _Oh, wow!_ _No easy days! _This infinite line of people makes rise in me mixed feelings.

I look around._ Is it weird how all these people packed in here makes me feel at home?_

_**. . .**_

Sat in this crowded waiting room, this place seems more and more screwed every second that passes. _How can they treat these people, these heroes, like this?_ I don't understand.

For once in my life I have to admit my father was right. This place is really screwed.

_Is Swanny _this_ screwed too? _I see him lost while he tries to fill the paperwork. I keep seeing him lost, and that kills me.  
I come to the rescue. I know it's hard for him to admit out loud that he has PTSD, or PTS, or whatever it's called... _I doubt_ _giving that hell a proper name will change how dark that place is!_

Well, it's hard even for me to read all these question loud for him, and making him answer it is even more. It kills me to feel the pain Swanny was trying to hide peaking out this way.  
He is so cold, hinting that this is what expects me after... _oh, Gosh, Swann_... I'm never gonna get used to the amount of meds he has to take!

"Medicate and isolate," he scoffs choking down yet another pill.

I laugh at that joke. _I probably should not. It's not a joke. _I can feel it while he lists what those meds are for.

Anxiety, nightmares, mood swings, depression. I can't hide a frown hearing all his symptoms. I feel for Swanny even too much, hell, less than a month ago I was so close to that myself.  
But Swann was the one who pushed me out of that hole. _He did_, _and now it's my turn._

I let out a little, nervous laugh, seeing how this is routine for him and how he tries to joke about it, but the questioner is not yet complete.

_Do you blame yourself for something happened in action?_ This is more or less what that last question is about.

I see Swanny's expression change when the word _blame_ exits from my mouth. I see his grin turning into a cry, I feel he holds his breath, and my heart clenches when he doesn't answer.

He does feel guilty. I see it in his eyes, and his sorrow gets to me even more when he runs away with that stupid excuse.  
Feeling how much he's struggling, I don't know what to do. Should I wait for him to come to me? Should I push him to open to me? Should I try another way to help? I'm not trained for this.

This is something they don't tell you in the recruiting office; this is something they don't train you for, nor in BUDS, nor in Green Team. This is something you don't learn in the field.

_Not sure about the medicate part works, but I'm sure starting to feel isolated._

_**... ... ...**_

**Back for you / Sonny's POV**

We're here, walking through the darkness, through the fog and the dust raised by our heavy footsteps. Seeing all the signs the fight left behind, I can play it in my mind. The brasses and the remaining of the bullets are scattered everywhere on the ground, the vehicles we find are drilled, and the whole atmosphere is so heavy.

Searching these vehicles, the smell of blood and dirt penetrates my nostrils, the image of my brothers getting hurt and bleeding on those seats hits me in the stomach.

And now, we need to go down this cliff while armed combatants try to beat us to Capitan Washington.

_Come on, Jace, we have to move. We have to find _him _before they do. _And possibly, before they find us too, I don't wanna have the same treatment they reserved to the Capitan and his men; I don't want to risk having to take back more than one corpse.

And so, we move. _I hate operating in the open at night_, even if the darkness gives us more coverage, it makes all seem spooky and bleak. This silence, this profound quiet, in my mind indicates something is about to happen.

_I hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling deep down in my bones._

Recover missions are the absolute worst. They remind you what you can lose. Worst, they remind you what you already lost.

_**... ... ...**_

**Opening up to the truth / Clay's POV**

Even if the speaker keeps calling for numbers, the waiting room doesn't become less crowded. _Numbers... not people, but numbers, that's what they are for them._

I need to keep my mind busy, and I start reading the files in the binder Swanny left here with me. The blood runs cold in my veins as I turn page after page. All these information about traumatic brain injuries and stuff like that, _how could I not notice he has come this far?_

My thoughts are interrupted by the man behind me wanting to share combat stories. He doesn't know I'm not here for me, but for my friend, and well, a little talking will do no harm, right? Even if I don't really want to tell him my full story...  
Because of this stupid cane I carry around, he doesn't know I can still be on active duty. _Because I will. I will find my way back to Bravo, I'm not ready to put myself in this line. _

But he can't know, and I don't think it's appropriate to rub it in his face. So I hijack the talking back to him instead, and then I ask him what's he doing since he retired. Hell, it's like stub my heart to hear him saying that he is just waiting to die.

_Just like everyone else in the room._ His words echoes in my mind, and it burns my veins to look around, and sense the feeling is real.

I don't really have the time to process that, that I hear Swanny yelling. I turn back to see him angry and confused. He's so eager, and I don't know what's happening, I don't know what I should do.  
Getting up, my leg is still weak and I need to rely on my stupid cane, but I need to do something for my brother.

Swann gets more upset and agitate every second, and finally, I understand why. He forgot he left his binder to me, he forgot he was here with me. He forgot about me helping him...  
_Again, his memory... hell, Swanny!_

My heart stops, and I call for him 'cause I need to calm him down. Fortunately, he manages to settle down quickly, with the binder in his hands now. My heart starts beating again, painfully.

I sense shame in his voice while he tries to joke over the little inconvenience he just had, and I back him up, I tease him, _like brothers do, right?_ Jokes are good.

When the speaker calls his number, I can see how nervous he is, and maybe I even see a shadow of fear in his eyes.

He moves a couple steps away and then he turns back.  
_I'm still here brother, come on, you can do this, _it's what I try to silently transmit him. Unexpectedly, he asks me to go in with him, and I feel he is finally accepting my help. Hearing from his voice that he's glad I'm there fills my heart.

_I'm here for you Buddy. _And so, we proceed.

I did not think that hearing Swanny's real condition would be so hard. As the shrink begins with her questions I feel how tense my brother is.  
When she asks him if he ever considered harming himself, my heart stops, and I instinctively look at him.

_Come on, brother, tell her there is no such a thing!_ My chest hurts waiting for him to answer.

But he doesn't answer, he dodges the question instead. _Hell,_ _this ain't right!_

My hands itch not knowing how to help my brother; all I can do is try to make him open up. Oh, hell, I don't like when he does. It hurts me even more to hear what he has inside, how much sorrow and guilt he was trying to bury deep down.

My mind goes back to the recording Swanny was watching that morning, and while he talks about how he lost his best friend in that action, in my ears plays his voice crying Nick's name.

It kills me to hear him saying that he was the one who should have died instead of his brother.  
My mind rapidly runs back to that feeling, the same I had in me when Adam was killed. Back then, I did think it should have been me, but now it's not about me.

I turn my attention back to Swanny, I feel how much he's suffering and I try to help. "Please, move on," I say to the lady. I can stay here silent while she makes him telling he should have died instead.

She does move on, but I don't like what she has to say now either.

As she talks about drugs, violent episodes, and psychiatric wards I get blown off. I can't believe all this. _Okay, I knew he was drinking too much from time to time, but this... How could he come this far? How could I not know he came this far?_

I really can't stay here silent seeing Swanny struggling this much to tell her how hard he is trying now. I need to help, and I try to explain to her how hard he is fighting for a new job, for a new life.  
_I see how hard he's trying, why can't she see it too? How can she be so cold to him?_

But when she tells us that what Swanny is trying to gain is nearly impossible... I'm blown up again, for real. _Maybe not for real real, that was last month, but that's exactly how I feel.  
How could I not see that before?_

The lady is saying Swanny is ready to gain the highest level on their mental disorder scale, and while I'm still confused for not seeing it coming, Swann grows furious.  
_How to blame him?_ But he needs to calm down; I need to calm him down.

I sit there, biting my lips while Swanny keeps telling her his issues are physiological and not psychological. He is so insufferable, but honestly, I don't know who to believe. I see how much he's struggling; I see his head shifting away more and more every day. This scares me.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Nothing in the field or in the training prepares you for this. I feel for my brother, and yet, I'm powerless.

Now I can't believe the shrink is prescribing Swanny yet another cycle of meds. _This must not be how it actually works._ I'm speechless, and I can't even imagine how Brett could feel right now.  
I can see Swanny's empty look, I can feel his solitude while hearing the shrink's words.

"Medicate and isolate," I confirm his earlier statement. Swann was right; that's how this place works.

_I hate how accurate __that is_.

_**... ... ...**_

**Losing despite winning / Sonny's POV**

We walk through the night to recover our lost brother, our rifles firm in our hands, and trying to keep out heartbeat under control.  
Proceeding, all we find are hyenas. _Damn, stupid animals, we only needed hyenas to add to the picture!_

The combatants are approaching, and they try to light the night. They have nothing to lose in being seen, but we do, and we have to hide. But hell, we can't stop, we can't let them arrive to our fallen Eagle before us.

And suddenly, there _he_ is. I have my eyes on him, and it's like a punch in the guts.  
We need to reach him, _hell, he's so close!_ But the enemies are getting closer, and we need to prepare for the fight.

In a flash, we take them down, but all that rumor makes the clock tick even faster for us. We rush to Capitan Washington, his corpse is right there. Silence fills my heart and my soul, and I can see the same void in my brother's eyes.

It's just like Nate two years ago, like the whole Eco Team last year, and like Adam just a few months ago.  
The image of the flag laid on their boxes constricts my chest. It could have been me; I was this close to that. It could have been Clay; we risked that for real.  
In this lifeless body, I see my little brother laying on the concrete after the damn bomb went off.

_Stop, Sonny, our fight is not over_. We have to prepare the corpse for the transfer; we have to display the litter; we have to put the Capitan on that thing. The silence is deafening as we do all that, not the sounds of the night, nor the voices coming through the radio can shake us off of that profound silence we have inside.

While the combatants press their breathing down our necks, we need to transport the Capitan back to the rest of our Team and up the hill. Dang, carrying his body weighs more on our souls than on our muscles.

We are so close to bring him back, so close to our exfil point when suddenly, the fight starts again.  
Again fighting. Fight for our fallen Eagle; fight for ourselves; fight for each other.

We run; we take cover; we shoot back. All we can do is hold on and wait for the air support.  
Fortunately, it comes quickly, and they damn save our asses. We succeeded. _Capitan Washington, you're coming home with us._

The first thing we do after settling in the helo is to put the Flag on our brother's box. My heart bleeds at the thought that's all we could do for him, but we're taking him back home, and he's gonna be honored like the hero he is; that must mean something, right?

I can't take my eyes on that box and on that Flag. Through the desolation of my soul, I can't help but think_,  
Who's next?_

_**... ... ...**_

* * *

_**Author's note: **__Thank you for reaching this point with me.  
This time there were no filler scenes, but I think I had my hands pretty full even without them...  
I decided to pack up this last scene like this, collecting all the short scenes that in the episode are separated by Clay and Swanny's scenes at the VA. I did that so I can deal with Swanny's struggles in the next chapter; the hard part is yet to come.  
_


	6. Tag 2x19, Pt2

_**Author's note: Warning: **__this chapter will more probably better be rated M, but if you watched the episode you would know what I'm talking about and know what the triggering themes in this new chapter are._

_I'm sorry for the long wait, but this was really hard for me.  
You know, my objective is to explore the characters' minds, but -as hard as it is for me to admit that- I found to have more feeling with Swann that with Clay or any other character here... So, I decided to take what I got, and to use Swanny's POV too, alongside with Clay's. Hope I didn't mess up..._

* * *

_**... ... ...**_

**Tell me your truth / Clay's POV**

The conversation with the shrink clearly didn't go as Swann planned.  
Damn it, all she had to say about my bud's real condition blew me away. _How could I have not noticed all that?_

Walking through this sterile hallway right beside Swanny, I can't hold back anymore. It's time for him to come clean with me, but he can't even look at my eyes when I finally confront him.  
_Come on, man! There's no meaning in pretending with me!_

_Embellish his symptoms to high his prize, is that really his excuse?_ Well, I'm not buying it, not at all; even if his mouth says a thing his body language says another.  
He is lying to me and it hurts me not being able to break down this wall he erected around himself.

No, I won't buy him saying he is okay, not after what I just heard!  
It's time for me to push him a little. Now, I look him straight and make sure he understands I mean every single word: _brother_, _you dare quit taking your meds, and I won't be able to help you anymore._

Actually, I have no intention of quitting on him, that's for sure, but I need Brett to understand I won't stay here silent watching him spiraling down.

But of course, he takes my words and seeks refuge in a joke_.  
No way man, I'm serious! _I need him to open up with me, or I won't be able to do anything.

"A couple of drinks and no meds, and I feel myself again." It hits me how much he believes in that statement; my stomach cramps at the image of him letting himself go like that.

Of course I understand; of course I miss the action, and the danger, and being a badass again. _But, man, this is not the right way!_

I know. He knows. _But what's the right one?_

I seriously don't know how I can help him. I feel the sorrow in his voice, but I can't discern the truth from the jokes.  
He says he feels dangerous to the people he loves, he feels dangerous to himself, and I hardly control a shiver sensing a dreadful seriousness in his voice.

_If that's how you feel, stopping taking your meds won't have much effect, right? So why are you here, man? Tell me the truth!_  
I ask him openly; he looks away. He's reluctant, but the wall is starting to go down.

I can see the shame in his eyes while he talks about the guilt he felt when he walked away from his team with his body all intact. I see the sorrow now, when he tells me it was not true, that maybe, his body was not intact at all.

_TBI,_ I say while I remember reading his research in the binder.  
He suspects a brain injury he didn't even consider he could have at the time.

I feel it; _something is wrong_ _with him. That's clear._

That's not just a suspicion, not for him. Even if the therapist didn't mention that, he firmly believes he has TBI, but I don't know if I can't trust his instinct on this.

It kills me to not be able to fully believe him, but how can I after hearing the shrink?  
_Hell,_ _Swanny, why didn't you just tell me before?_

He was embarrassed to talk to me, and I feel he still is now. I get it, but still... _Damn it, Swanny, from brother to brother, trust me please!_

The way he talks about the war now, how he tells me he didn't want to scare me... My heart is torn apart.

_Brain injuries, scars that are there, but you can't see... _  
His fears about showing me a future I don't like are real. I see in him what I could become, and he's damn right, I don't like it!  
My heart clenches; as much as I respect him, as much as I feel for him, I don't like what I see in his eyes.

But now, right here and now, I need to swallow this thought down; he may be right, but I can't think about myself now. My priority shall be him.

I lean on the wall, the stupid cane tight in my hands; a strong reminder of my injury, of what I'm afraid to lose. That's exactly the point here, I have a visible sign of my suffering, Brett doesn't.  
That kills him, I feel that every minute more.

"The war is bad for your brain," he says, and then continues telling how, despite that, he wouldn't exchange a single second in the navy for anything else.  
Of course he wouldn't, and this makes me miss the action even more, this makes me miss my brothers terribly.

Now, he talks about TBI and emotional trauma killing him from the inside. Every single word is like a stab in my heart.  
_Hell, why did he tried to handle this all on his own? I was right there...  
_In his eyes, I read the pain eating out at his soul, and I can barely look into that oblivion without getting lost myself.

I want to help him; _I am right here, Buddy! Why don't you let me in?_  
I even ask why he doesn't, but I damn know why! I did the same, Swann has a very good point here. The way I tried to shut out the whole word is the proof that we are from the same stock.

_This is what we are. SEALs don't ask for help._ Well, it's a good thing he doesn't have to ask for it anymore. I'll give it all I can.

_SEALs never surrender. _

_SEALs never fear the enemy._ Yes, we're never scared of an enemy that we can see, but this? Hearing Swanny say that he doesn't know how to deal with the enemy in his head, reading the fear in his eyes, hearing the desperation in his voice... my heart crashes.

"I'm terrified," he admits to me. Those words hit me hard, my knees feel weak, and I have to tighten the grip on my cane.  
The only thing I can do is swallow; my words don't come out; I don't know what so say.

His feelings terrify me too. _I hate that I don't know how to help him!_

I hate how I'm afraid that's my future too.

But I chose to believe him now. I chose to fight for him always and ever.

_Alright, Clay, it's time to pay your buddy back for all he did for you in the last two months._

_**... ... ...**_

**Plan of action / Swann's POV**

It's getting late, and I'm starting to think I won't be able to see the doctor today. _That can't happen!_ I can't let this whole day be a huge waste of time.

_This is my last chance._

My patience is at its limit, fortunately, this kid is here to back me up. I really don't know what I would do today without him.  
Well, actually, I know, I would not even be here!

Clay is right, I have a plan: I get the doctor to diagnose my TBI; he arranges a course of treatment; I stick to it with all I have. _This is my last chance for my brain to get unscrambled_.

The nosey kid here got me right, I have a full binder of treatment ideas. _Hell, I am a senior chief! I always have a plan!_

Suddenly, my number gets called to the window. It's my turn! I'm ready!

Clay clumsily gets up, he wanna come with me. Even if he can barely keep up with me while I approach the window, it's so sweet seeing him so supportive. Of course I can't tell him that, a SEAL doesn't express such touchy feelings, but a little joke is always good. _Why did you make me ask that the first time, kid?_

Not sure of what's gonna happen, but I'm smiling; feeling a warmth I haven't felt in ages.  
Then a cold shower hits me; I have to reschedule, the man says. I freeze, my mind goes completely blank for a moment before I can react.  
_Hell no!_ I've been waiting for too long! My blood starts boiling, and I look around in search of something I can say to make him change his mind.

I can't miss this chance!

_It's my last chance._

I try. I find myself almost bagging the man, and thank God Clay is here to back me up because words barely comes out of my mouth. I find myself bubbling; _hell, Brett! A SEAL doesn't bubble!_

Out of the blue, this wiseass kid -who's always beside me- blows me off with this rush idea and telling I just came back from the combat zone... Well, as stupid as it may sounds looking at me, the man falls for it.

_Good job Clay! I own you one, smart boy!_

I still have hope. _I still have a chance._

I'm gonna see the doctor; I'm gonna be treated.

It's all gonna be just fine.

_**... ... ...**_

**Once we ask for help, they didn't listen / Clay's POV**

Entering the doctor's room, I see Swann as thrilled as I've never seen him. He has hope in eyes, for the first time since I know him, he has that light shining through them.

The examination starts, and my muscle tickle; if it weren't for this stupid leg I would be on my toes right now.

Swanny spits out his thoughts on the matter, all in one breath, and at first, the doctor is skeptical.  
_Okay, man, let me back you up, so you can catch your breath!_ I think jumping in the conversation.

I see Swann getting even more excited when the doctor cautiously confirms his suspicions, so excited he is about to cry.  
I can't help but smile, and my heart fills, seeing how relieved and hopeful my bud is. He needed this little sunshine in his life. He deserves it for all he gave in combat, he deserves it for all he gave to his brothers, for all he gave to me.

Swann keeps frantically talking, not even giving the doctor the chance to say anything, but suddenly I see the light in my friend's eyes going off in an instant. He won't be treated, the man says to him.

The doctor tries to tell us he can't treat Swanny here at the VA. He says that's just how it works, that Brett's injury is undocumented, and the paperwork over hound the symptoms.

I watch Swanny spiraling down in flash; his expression changes so quickly that makes my head spin.  
I can feel his anger under my skin; I'm seeing again the confused man I saw only a few hours before while arguing with the security out in the waiting room.

I need to calm him down; I can't see him like this. I need to step in for him, but he has a point here, he couldn't know he was injured back then.  
His words hit me like a punch in the stomach, of course he couldn't bother to report a stupid headache after seeing his brother die in front of his eyes!

I try to calm him, and I fail.  
At this point my only choice is to perpetrate his cause, with a calmer tone, hoping he will let me do and start breathing normally again.

It kills me to see my brother begging the doctor to document his injury. It makes my heart bleed to see him holding in the tears; to beg for something he should be entitled to have; to cry for help and not being heard.

I feel Swanny's frustration growing while he acknowledges nothing will actually gonna change for him.  
And suddenly, he his calm. His look becomes void, his voice detached. Something definitely broke in him, and my heart cracks, miming his.

I feel him, and I don't know how helping him.  
And I'm powerless again, just like when I was confined in that damn hospital bed. There I had blown up legs, now I have a blown up heart.

_**... ... ...**_

**Void look / Clay's POV**

Sitting here all day was definitely not a pleasant experience. If this is what expects me in my future, hell, it's depressing.

And it's scaring too, scaring for real. Medicate and isolate, once again, I feel the isolation more than everything.

Swanny's starts to get seriously eager, whining he want out.  
I can't let him go without his meds, I make it clear to him. I'm not gonna let him surrender.

"There is gonna be a fight," I try to turn his own words back to him. I need to shake him like he did for me when I was the void one.

I try, but the things he's saying now... Talking about his dead friend as the lucky one?  
I-I... I'm speechless, is he serious or he's just venting?

_Come on, man, don't talk like that!_ _Don't go there, you're a SEAL, one of the strongest men I have ever met._

Swanny's expression and his voice, they kill me when he says that he put aside the desire of living a full life for begging to just feel normal and whole again. My stomach cramps at the thought he lived his whole life trying to be the best of the bests and now, his only desire is to feel normal again.

_Come on, Swann, you can't surrender! I'm not gonna let you surrender!_

I try to talk him to reason. _Come on, trust me, lean on me._ I can't do better than show him I'm here.  
_ We're gonna overcome this together. Please, let me in._

As he gets out to wait for me in his truck, I see an empty look on his face. There is also a smirk printed there, but I sense the real meaning of that is something I can't really get.

_YODO_, I still don't know what it means. I feel it must be something important, but I can't figure it out.

It's okay, I'll talk Swanny through this later, with beers in our hands it will all seem easier.  
I have his back, one step at the time; let me start by picking up his prescription now.

_**... ... ...**_

**The moment I knew / Swann's POV**

Clay doesn't understand. Standing there telling me I can't get out of this damn place, telling me I have to keep taking my meds.  
_Hell, kid, I don't care anymore._ The doctors don't care, so why should I? And why should this smart and brave kid here care about the waste of man I am now?

_I can't live like this_.  
I just wanna sleep a whole night without nightmares. I just wanna sleep and stop thinking, stop feeling this pain. And he can't get this! No one can!

_I can't live like this_, being considered an invalid, being considered _crazy._

_I can't live like this_, being totally _useless_, being totally _void_, totally _not me_.

This young man I have in front of me is pushing me to keep fighting. _You know what? I just can't. I just don't want to anymore! _He doesn't understand. No one does.

I don't know what I should fight for anymore. _This is no life that deserves to be lived._

Clay doesn't know how I feel. Hell, I pray he never will.  
You know, the kid is smart, and brave and strong. I'd like to have him in my team back in the days. _Well, maybe in another life... _But now, it's time to let go.

_Now, I'm the shadow of the SEAL I was, I'm the empty shell of the man I was_. There is no med, no drink, and no drug that will make me feel whole again.

I'm dangerous. Dangerous to my wife, to my sister, to my friends; _I can't keep being a weight for the people I love._ I'm poisonous!

I'm dangerous to myself... this slipped from me with Clay right before, but he didn't listen to me. Maybe he couldn't listen, he sure thought I was joking around yet again.

_I wasn't._

But I can't weigh this on someone else. I can't take this load off of my heart without weighing it on someone I care. I just can't let the ones I love to enter in this hell I have inside.

_This is my stop. _

_I'm out._

"YODO." I start my walk toward my final destination.

Clay asks me again what this means, but I can't stop to explain it to him. He would try to make me change my mind. He wouldn't understand.

_It's my goodbye, little Pal. _I'm not changing my mind.

_You Only Die Once, and I already did_. I died the day I left the SEALs; I died the day I left my Team.

As I walk down this white, stark hallway, I can only think that this is no being. I'm drained out of life, I'm just an empty shell.  
Every step I make, that feeling grows. Every second that passes, I'm more empty and more determined to make this all stop.

_Sorry, little pal, you'll have to drink those beers on your own._

The homeless vet from this morning is still here in this deserted parking lot. _Wanna know something, man? I won't need money where I'm going. _I give him all I have left.

Sit here in my truck, the quiet of this starry night amplifies the absolute silence I have inside. For the first time in ages my hands don't shake while I take my gun in them.

I stop; I breathe. A last breath of fresh air, and then...

This has no meaning to be anymore. _I have no meaning to be anymore._

_**... ... ...**_

**There's no coming back / Clay's POV**

Walking out the VA, the darkness of the evening immediately wounds me. These pallid parking lamps aren't enough for enlightening the hell of a day I spent in that damn dream tomb.

My attention is caught by the vet who was asking for money earlier this morning; he's still here, alone and desperate. His day must not have been easier than mine; the difference between us is that for me tomorrow won't be the same...  
In the look on his face I see Swanny's. I can't pass by him without giving him something. Not after what I saw in there.

I give him some money, and his hand reluctantly grabs them. I see a mixture of shame and gratitude in his eyes; I see tears forming in them, I see him trying to hold on to the last little ounce of dignity he still has.  
Then, the man tells me someone just gave him his whole wallet. No, not just someone, it was Swanny. The same person that previously cut him short so coldly? _No, something ain't right._

I resume walking toward my friend's truck, a step at a time, the only way this stupid leg would allow me to move. Now, the feeling that something is seriously wrong grows in me at every little step.

I spot Swanny's still figure from the truck's window.  
_Something definitely ain't right._ I can sense it from my arm hair standing up.

I speed up. I feel the urge to run to my brother, but this damn leg won't let me. _Hell, I would throw this damn cane away and run to him, but I can't!_

I can't, so I just drag my ass as fast as I can. As I approach I can see better and better the figure in the truck doesn't move; his head is down; his chest doesn't even lift.

I start sweating cold. My heart pounds and pounds as I get closer.

I call for him, I call his name. He won't answer, maybe he does not hear me. I pray that he just can't hear me.

I'm here; I see his figure abandoned on the driver seat, laid on the car door with his head down and his arm against the metal.  
_Maybe he fell asleep,_ I think...  
I pray.

_Tell me he just fell asleep! _I pray with every fiber of my body.

The fear takes control of me as I open the door, and Swanny's body fall in my arms.

_Lifeless._

His blood streaming out from his chest and staining his white shirt in bright red.

We fall on the ground because my legs can't sustain his dead weight.  
I hug him, tears stream down my cheeks. I feel his warm blood on my hands while I feel his body slowly growing cold.

I cry on him as I sense the life already abandoned him.

_Why Swanny? Why?_

This pain is something else. My heart struggles to beat.

_I was here to help! I could have helped you!_

I cry, I can only cry. The tears flow down inexorably, I can't even breath through this pain in my chest.

_Just why, Swanny? Why?_

_Why..._

No. No, I can't. My soul is torn apart.

_How could you do this Swanny? How could you do this to you?_

I press his body to mine, my warm chest on his back; I have his blood on my shaky hands.

_How could you do this to me? What am I gonna do alone now? You were the one who was literally keeping me on my feet! _

_How you dare abandoning me!_

I'm suffocating in my tears, my heart doesn't beat.

_I was helping... I could have helped you..._

But it's his heart that doesn't beat for real. He cannot answer me, he cannot explain why.

_How could I not see this coming?_

_I'm sorry Brett! Please, I'm sorry!_

The cool air of the night caresses my cheeks, drying my tears, but that cold is nothing compared to what I have inside.

_Please Swann, don't leave me! Don't leave me like this! I could have helped you...I could have, why did you shout me out like this?_

I just lay on the hard, cold concrete, Swanny's body over mine, the last ounce of warmth slowly leaving him.

_I'm so sorry I failed you, brother! I'm sorry!_

The tears won't stop, the pain won't stop. Breathing is hard.

_Help me! Please! Somebody help me_! I just cry there, my brother's corpse motionless in my arms.

_I'm so sorry, Swann..._

_I'm sorry!_

_I'm sorry..._

_**... ... ...**_

* * *

_**Author's note: **__Thanks for reading this, I hope I could transmit something. Putting all my thoughts onto paper was really challenging this time._


	7. Tag 2x20

_**... ... ...**_

**He stopped fighting / Clay's POV**

My grave footsteps resound in the dark corridor while I try to reach my apartment. Everyone is asleep at this time of the night, and everything seems anesthetized, even my pain. I feel nothing. I won't let myself feel a thing. I can't; I already cried all my tears.

My legs are heavy and swollen. _Dang, I didn't have the chance to lift my feet all day_. My body goes on autopilot: search my pocket for the keys; peer into the darkness for the lock; open the door. I put the first foot in, and I almost slip. _Why is this stupid cane so slick now?_

While I reach out for the light switch, I take in a deep breath. There still is a slight burn taste from the stove Swanny left on this morning, and the unmistakable odor of two single men living together permeates the room. It's all too familiar, I thought it would feel different.

My eyes take a minute to adjust to the new light situation. The mess, the sticky notes, the empty bottles of pills on the coffee table, it's all exactly how Swanny and I left the apartment this morning. We left together, but one of us will never come back home.

I'm frozen by the door. It seems to me that I haven't entered into my apartment while it was empty in forever, but now... _Who did I expect to find here?_ He is gone. Swanny's gone, and he left me behind to clean after his mess. All right, we were in a rush, and he was late for his appointment, but... _If only I didn't insist to take him there maybe now he... he wouldn't..._

I shake my head and tighten my grip on the cane. _But why is this stupid thing so sticky?_ My eyes lower to it.

Blood. I should know. There is blood on the handle, there is blood on my shirt, and there is blood under my nails. My brother's blood. _How could I forget it?_

I need to get changed. I need to clean the mess. And I need to tell Jason and the guys about Swanny. But I need to lift my leg. I need... I need...

_Stop!_ I must stop. My chest hurts, my head spins. _Slow down Clay, you can't take all at once_.

Finally, I lay down in bed, but I can't sleep. Swanny is always in my thoughts. I should have never left him alone. I should have done something. How can I call my team and tell them that I lost our brother here at home while they are having the real fight out there?

_The real fight..._

What's that suppose to mean? Swanny's battle with himself and with the system was real enough. How couldn't I understand it before? This is fighting. _This_. At home. When we are left behind. That's the _real_ _fight_. The battle with our minds, when no one helps.

_I should have helped_.

_**... ... ...**_

**Always bad news / Sonny's POV**

We finally gained to take a well-deserved break from those stupid, useless trainings. As we get into the common room, I aim for my mattress, if I can dare to call this uncomfortable junk that way. My brothers move in the room; there are five of us here, but far many more folding beds. This is not uncommon in the kind of base like the one we are now, but it only remarks that we are missing someone.

Just as I rest my head on the pillow, Jason's phone rings. _Speaking of the devil!_

"It's Clay." Jace's eyes lighten. At his words, smiles print on all our faces.

But wait, why is Clay not calling me instead of our boss? _Ah! Who cares! It's still better than his previous radio silence._

Jace's expression changes as soon as he presses the answer button and Clay's face appears on his phone. I can't really understand why until I approach and see it myself. Red eyes with circles under them, messy hair, ruffled beard, a grave expression, Clay is the shadow of the confident man we talked to in the last face time call.

"Whoa. You look awful," I shot, without thinking too much._ What time should it be at home? Late night? Tell me it's just for that that my brother looks like a ghost._

On the other end of the device, silence. I cross my look with my other brothers here. Jason has a concerned expression; Trent has his eyebrows raised; Ray is not decipherable; and Brock, well, Brock looks baffled, just like I must look too. We all agree, something's wrong with Clay.

Jason hooks the calm. "What happened, Kid?" he asks severely.

_Hell, this tension is killing me!_

"It's about Swanny," Clay says, his voice uncertain.

_He is never uncertain. This must be serious._

"What about Swanny? What did he do?" Jason speaks for all of us, concern shining though our looks.

My heart becomes heavy as Clay's silence echoes once again all around us. I think I know how this is going to end, but I don't wanna believe it.

"He," Clay clears his voice, "he took his life."

A dreadful stillness takes posses of us. _Did Clay just say... Did Swann... No. He is a frogman! He didn't_.

And yet he must have because the ghostly expression on Clay's face leaves no room for misunderstandings.

"When?" Jason breaks the deadly silence. "How?"

"A few hours ago," Clay clears his throat again, he is so evidently trying to fight his emotions, and it hurts me to see him being so desperate. "He-" a grimace appears on my little brother's face. "A shot in the heart. I found him in his truck, at the VA parking lot."

"You were there?" Jason asked; he doesn't want to show it, but I know he is shaken too. Like all of us and maybe more, among the team, he was the one who knew Swann better.

"Not when he- I should, I could-" Clay's confusion catches me off guard. His eyes are lost and wander around for a moment before landing again on the phone's camera. Blood runs cold in my veins, that's the same look Clay had on when we lost Adam and he was the only eye witness of his death.

"I didn't understand Swanny was that bad," Clay continues, unsheathing a surprisingly detached tone. "I should not have left him alone," he states.

"Hey, no," Jason said, as strict as he could be, and that makes my heart jump. "This is not your fault, Clay. You understand me, Kid?"

I keep my eyes fixed on the lost boy in the screen. I don't need to look at my brother around me to know we all second Jace's words.

"No, no, I know," Clay cut short, in his eyes this dark sparkle of guilt and sorrow that counter his words. "I just thought you guys needed to know from me. I should really go now," he continues and looks back at his empty room.

Not even the time to exchange a concerned look with the guys, and Clay says, "Be safe out there," and hangs up.

Just before the screen turned black, I could read his expression like if he was here beside me. _I can't stand another loss,_ Clay's void look meant. How can I be so sure, besides the fact I know my little brother so well? Because it's what resounds in my heart since my little brother was blown up a few weeks ago.

_Man, it's already awful enough to lose a brother in combat, but like this? What the hell was Swanny thinking? And who knows what's going through Clay's mind now..._

I look around at my shocked brothers, the silence is audible, the pain tangible, but at least we have each other.

It kills me to think of Clay facing all this all alone.

_**... ... ...**_

**Isolated / Clay's POV**

I'm restless. My mind won't shut down, my body demands movement, and so I'm in the living room again. The cops let me keep Swann's cell phone; I have it right here. _Should I..._

I do, I put my nose in his things. I dig up and see that Swanny's kept some kind of video diary. It feels wrong to... to... _hell, I have every right to know, and he is not here to complain anyway. Is he?_ My hands clench into fists. Swann is not here. Never will be anymore.

It takes me a minute to download the files, sit on the couch with my laptop, and rest my complaining leg on the coffee table. I'm ready.

_Who am I trying to kid? I will never be ready to face this_. But I need to.

Swann's look, his voice... It's all so real, it's all so damn true. My hands are restless, a lump forms in my throat, but I won't give in to that. There is a ghost on the screen, the ghost of the man I met a couple of months ago. Only now I realize that the person Jason introduced me to at that bar was only the mask of the hurt soul Swanny was at that time. And I'm talking like _that time_ was a decade ago... _how could I be so blind?_

The first lights of the morning penetrate though the blinds by now, but they are still unable to compete with my laptop's screen lights. Swanny's voice reaches my heart. The word _loneliness_ resound in my head. Loneliness, a thing a team guy can't experience even if he would like to, and that after active duty, is the only firm point in life, Brett says.

Brett _said_.

And I even tried to put myself in that corner with my own hands after what happened to me... _What was I thinking? If Swann were not there I would..._

Next video is more recent. Brett's in my apartment, he talks about me. He even seems happy, and confident too. There is hope in his eye. _If he only knew..._ The man I see now, it's the man that pulled me out from my hole, paying back a favor I didn't even know I did him. Not to this extent. This hurts my soul. Knowing how all that confidence has been betrayed. Knowing that what I did for him was not enough. _I failed him, I failed my brother._

The following file is just the same story... literally the same story. Swann couldn't even remember he kept registering the same message, not even with the proof on his phone. _And I let him do without doing a thing. _I knew, I saw, and I did not do a thing for him.

I'm afraid to watch the next video. Yes, I'm afraid. A SEAL should not, but I am, and rightly so. I see my brother slowly lose himself, and I can do nothing. I could have done something, but it's too late now.

Last file. Last memory. Last of Brett Swann. My hands shake as he surrenders before my eyes. He's tired to fight. _Never out the fight_, I would say to him, but there is no mean now. I lost my chance. He takes out the gun. My chest winces, a sigh I didn't know I was holding resounds in the silence of my solitude.

"Yodo," he says. _Damn Swann, you never told me what that means. You promised!_

I can barely breath. I don't want to see what happens next. I know what happens next. I was there. The gunshot rings in my head, Swanny's lifeless look penetrates in my soul, and a warm tear marks my cheek. I still feel the cold taking posses of my brother's helpless body. _If only I could be there a few moments prior. If only I had not left him alone_.

I can't take my eyes off the screen. I can't take my eyes off my brother, even if it's too late. Even if I can do nothing more.

_Who is responsible for these? Whose fault is it?_

_**... ... ...**_

**Nobody's fault, everybody responsibility / Clay's POV**

Swanny's death must be on someone. And if it's not on me... and if it's not on him...

I sit in my car, just a few meters from where Swann -_breathe, Clay_\- from where he did it. Every second that passes, I'm more blinded, I'm more impatient. I'm about to explode, and when I see _him_ -Swann's doctor- I see all red.

I jump out the car. _Who am I kidding?_ I drag myself, with this stupid leg, out of my car and toward the man. I vomit on him all my anger, and he stays as calm as a stone. He couldn't help. He knows the system doesn't work. He knows they don't do enough, and he won't stop doing his best even though. And now, his hand on my shoulder, he says that he can do nothing, but I can.

I can change things, if I fight hard enough. _How can I do something to change things if I wasn't even able to make my friend change his mind? _

I stand in the middle of the parking lot like an idiot, cane tight in my hand. _Clay, are you surrendering before even trying? This is not you!_

To change the things from the inside. Make pride and bold soldiers admit they are hurt while they are still on active duty. Easy to say... _Hell, if this is the only thing that can change our fate, that can save my brothers to end up like this, like... Swanny..._

_I need to find a way._

_**... ... ...**_

**Checking on the little brother / Sonny's POV**

I'm starting to hate even the bar's night here. _Man, I hate this stupid place, I wish I could be home with Clay; with Davis too..._ but she's busy, so I need to leave her the space to become what she is destined to become. _Though, nothing prevents me from checking on the kid, right?_

-How r u doin Bud?- I text him.

Several minutes of a literal nothing passes. _Has he gone radio silence again?_ Oh, I'm gonna kill him the next time I- wait, it's him.

-U ever failed to report an injury?-

_What is going on here? _-U hit ur head that hard in the blow?- as my finger presses _send_, a shiver runs down my spine. Undiagnosed TBI is just why Swanny died, absolutely the wrong joke to throw on Clay now.

-Serious talk, u good?- I send this second text and then a whiskey shot down my throat waiting for the answer. Maybe I should just face time the kid, reading his eyes is the best way to make sure he will tell me the truth.

-Long story-  
-A thing Swanny's doc said-

_What does this suppose to mean?_ Did Clay go to talk to Swann's doctor after he... the vibration of my phone cuts off my perplexity.

-Need to go to my check up now-  
-Wish me luck-

-U gonna crash it- I believe what I texted him, Clay knows. He's gonna be back on his feet in no time. Literally and metaphorically. If nothing, for coming to me and kick my ass. Next time I'll hear from him, I'll make sure to tease him enough to make the desire to come after me to grow in him. It won't be hard.

_**... ... ...**_

**One of the lucky ones / Clay's POV**

I hold my breath -other than my pants- while the doctor examine my thigh. Only when he says that I'm progressing fine, I can release a soft sigh -and the legs of my pants- and sit on the table. Alright, I'm making progress, that's good, but since I still struggle in sitting on this stupid too high bed... fortunately the doctor doesn't notice and keeps telling I'm doing fine. Apparently, I'm on schedule.

I only have one question on my mind now. "When will I go back with my team?"

Not making any promises and not feeding hopes too much, the doctor keeps talking vague, but the fact that the void 'if' has become a quite solid 'when' it's enough for me. _There is no reason to not think I'll operate again. _That's a win.

Now that my leg is not such a worry anymore, my focus shift on the other aspects of the blast, the not visible ones. _Could my caretakers miss something important?_ is my main question. _Does that happen frequently? _is my second one.

The doctor confirms my suspicions. When you get treated on the field, there always is something that can pass unnoticed, especially because soldiers are reluctant to report injuries that can end their careers. _And how can I blame them?_ I would jump back in action even with half a leg, if the wound was not so obvious.

Lost in thought, I barely notice the doctor taking a tool in his hands. I glance at him while he asks me if I have experienced any TBI symptoms and points his light on me. He took my question wrong.

"I'm fine," I hurry to say. Half because it's actually true, half because I won't risk that anything delays my return to Bravo.

"Not that a team guy would tell me anyway." The doctor's words strike me. I just demonstrated myself he is right, even if in my case there is no real reason to fake.

This is not right anyway. I saw how the injured are treated. If they have any hope to be fixed and sent back on the line, they receive the best cares. If they don't have any good expectation, they just dig them a hole and leave them dying alone. _How can I blame a brother for fearing that fate when I experienced all that on my skin?_

Things need to change.

_**... ... ...**_

**Stitching the family back together / Sonny's POV**

The scarce illumination of the bar wound us, beer in hands. This place has become like a second home as the base has nothing more to offer. Not that these four walls are that interesting either, but at least there is alcohol in here.

_Alright, maybe alcohol is not the best of the ideas for some of us._

No. This ain't right. Watching Jason and Ray fight like kids ain't right. With all that the Team is going through? We need to stick together now. All of us! We're already missing Clay, we can't lose ourselves too.

I drag Ray's ass to the common room, anger flaws from him in waves. _Well, if he needs to yell at me, let him yell_. As long as he talks that's good. I sense Brock and Trent's support while they follow us in the room. Gosh, I feel like we are three kids seeing their parents arguing.

I make Ray sit down and face me. _Since when I'm the one that wears the grown man pants here_? And yet I'm the adult in the room now, trying to put some sense in my brother's head.

Ray is not Ray anymore. Jason is fatiguing to stay above the water level too. And after what happened to Swanny... Hell, I don't know what is going on Clay's mind all those miles away from me. Is he good, will he come back on the team. I can't lose another family member. I just can't.

But my family is braking... _Hell, I won't let it happen if I have a say in the matter!_

_**... ... ...**_

**I'll never leave a brother alone, nor a sister / Clay's POV**

_Oh, I'm late_. Blame this stupid leg that makes me move like an old lady. And these stupid chairs and all these people don't make the things easier. But I'm here now, just in time to support Davis. Her smile when she sees me repays me off the fatigue. Her eyes light up, and I genuinely smirk back. _Did you have any doubt I would be here?_

I'm proud of her. At the end, she didn't quit. My bad mood when she visited me at the hospital served something then. Davis may not be a team guy, but she still is my sister. _And_ _I am so proud of you, sister_. I wanna make sure she feel it.

"Nice cane." Davis, face glowed by a big smile, approaches me, scanning me from head to toes. Understandable, since the last time she saw me I was... well, let's just say, not on my feet and forget those crazy days.

"Nice uniform, Ensigned Davis." I smile back.

"I didn't think you would come this far for my graduation."

"That's what brothers do." I lean on my cane while I scrub my beard with my free hand. _Maybe I should have gotten myself a little more presentable before coming_... well, too late for that. "And I owed you one," I continue. "I didn't exactly treat you with gloves when you made all that miles to cheer me up at the hospital..."

"Water under the bridge." Davis' eyes are the most sincere. "Probably it was exactly what I need to hear." She lower her look down to my leg. "Anyway, you seem a lot better now. Any good news?"

"I'm working on it, and I'll get there," I can only say, letting my confidence shine, but I can't be more specific now. I want to be sure before speculating on my return to action. But one thing is sure, nobody will stop me from going back to operate.

"I bet that someone overseas will die to hear these words from you," Davis keeps insisting, a smile still printed on her face.

I shrug. "They know that I'm a fighter."

"They know, but they still are worried. You're their little brother, and they saw you blasted away under their eyes."

"Who told you that? Sonny?" At my words, a little flush of red marked Davis' cheeks.

"They are my brothers too, I check on them." She took her control back. "Hey, some of my fellows here are meeting at the bar, you should come."

"Is that an order, Officer?" I scoff.

"Yes, it is, Sailor." Davis starts to walk away, eyes lighting, but when she turns back to me, she can't hide a light change of expression at the sight of my not so smooth walk.

_Don't worry, I'll get there. Soon_.

_**... ... ...**_

**They're turning their back on him / Clay's POV**

In the last few hours, I kept watching Swanny's video diary again and again. I wanted to understand why. I wanted to understand how. What I found instead, was a mission. His mission to complete. His fight to accomplish.

And now I'm here at Captain Harrington's office, watching for the millionth time the recording of Swanny's injury, when he lost his friend and his soul all at once. I'm here to show him the truth.

I'm standing on my feet -if I can say it- asking for the highest honor to be granted to my lost brother.

Herrington doesn't even turn a hair. If six months is the time necessary for Brett to have his Purple Heart, I can bear it. But my relief lasts only a second; the request will most likely be denied, the Captain says. That's an unexpected punch in my stomach.

I don't wanna hear Herrington's crap about Swann not reporting the injury; I don't wanna hear his crap about TBI being a complex injury. I don't want to hear his bull about the fact that this is exactly how the system works.

I'm not here to accept anyone saying the Purple Heart will not be awarded to Swanny. Not even my Captain.

This is how we are trained, he says. I admit that I would not have reported the injury if it was me. We both know that the Captain would not report it if it were him. And we all know way too well how it works, but this doesn't make it right.

The system must be changed. I'm here to change things.

The military trains us to grit our teeth and move on. We are trained to not whine. We are told that if something is wrong with us, we should resolve it on our own. Don't cry, don't report, just solve it and move on.

We fight for them, but if we're broken, they won't fight to fix us, nor to help us. We are on our own. That's how it is.

_That's not how it should be._

The military can do nothing for soldiers like Swanny till they don't know better TBI? Well, that's exactly the bug! We don't report, we don't get treated. And they keep having nothing to study, they have nothing to understand. And they can't understand till it's too late, till it's all useless. And my brothers suffer. My brothers die.

Things needs to be changed. I'm here because I want to change things. For Swanny. For myself. For Bravo, and for all my brothers here and out there.

I won't stop.

You turn your back on me? On Swanny? I'll find someone who would listen. No matter what, because this is not about me. It's about all the brothers, all the husbands, and all the fathers giving their lives for this country, and I won't let it be for nothing.

While I exit the Captain's office, his words resound in my head. _Court Marshall_. This could be the end of my career, the end of my life as a team guy. While I fight with my own body to go back to my team family, to my only reason of life, this mission I inherited from Swann changes it all.

I can't abandon Swanny, not again. My soul is torn apart, my heart is ripped to pieces. I don't want to give up on the chance to go back on my team, but I won't let his sacrifice be vain. I can't fail him again.

I won't give up the fight.

_**... ... ...**_

* * *

_**Author's note: **__and so I'm back at it, hopefully with the new energies that will keep me going till the end, and hopefully before the new season starts. Only two episode to overcome before October 2nd..._

_Thank you for your patience._


	8. Tag 2x21

_**... ... ...**_

**Lost / Sonny's POV**

"Bravo Two... Bravo Two..." Jason incessantly calls for Ray on the radio. My heart is in my throat while I drop my parachute right there and hurry to hear the last new on what happened. _I can't believe we're at this again, I can't believe we are risking to lose someone else under our powerless looks._

"Two, this is One, do you copy?" Jason insists.

Radio silence. My blood runs cold. I saw Ray falling, and I didn't see his parachute open. I don't know where my brother is. Nor if he is... _No, Sonny. Don't you dare even thinking that word. Ray is not! _

Only when Trent confirms he saw that Ray's reserve opened my heart starts to beat again. _Ray still have a chance._

I knew, I knew that we should never come here. I knew this mission would cost us everything. I told them, but they never listen. First Clay, and now Ray. My family is falling in pieces, but they won't listen. _This ain't right. This ain't right! This- _

"Pull it together, Sonny!" Jason orders me.

_How? How can I pull it together, Jace? _How can I, when we don't know where Ray is? _He's gonna be fine_, he says. But how can we know that Ray's gonna be fine? I won't believe till I see it with my eyes.

And yet again, I was damn right! Man, Ray is in trouble, surrounded by enemies and God knows what other perils. Before I can say, "Let's go find him," Jason precedes me and pulls out a recovery plan. _Yes, man_. _That's exactly what I expect from Bravo One!_ Looks of approval cut through the darkness of the night in his direction. _Let's do this._

_Let's go find our brother_. I'm ready for the fight, but what I'm not ready for is the cold shower Blackburn gives us. Ray is aware of his contingency procedure, and that means he knows what to do. But it also means Ray is on his own now. We must proceed with the plan.

_Hell, no, sir! We won't let him alone!_ I look at the others and I read the same loud '_no'_ on their faces. But that's an order, and Jason's objection are useless. As always, the big bosses don't understand.

"Come on Jace, we can't-" I try to make my point, we all try, but Jason won't hear us either now.

_Breathe, Sonny, you are a SEAL_. Jace was right from the beginning. _Pull it together, man!_ We are trained for this, and Ray is too. He's one of the best. He knows what to do. Damn it, I want to believe he will be fine, but... _If only Clay was here_, the kid would know how to make me feel more confident. He always knows.

The sun raised before I knew, but we keep walking toward the wrong direction. We're not going to find Ray, our priority must be to accomplish some stupid mission from the top.

_I don't understand!_ Is it possible that Jason doesn't care just because that little fight he and Ray had the other day?

_Oh, no. No, no, no_. _Come on, Sonny , you know him better_. No. Jace doesn't full me. I sense the pain in his voice while giving us the order to keep moving. I know he cares for Ray more than anyone here. _So why can't we just go and take our brother back?_

Half an hour later, I have the answer I was demanding. Condition changed and the mission along them. We're gonna do what we should have done from the beginning, we're gonna save Ray's ass.

I don't know if I'm more relived that we are gonna get him, or more worried that we have to jump in because we know for sure he is in huge troubles.

For sure, I won't stop to ask why; I'll just gonna through everything that is in my power to protect my family.

_**... ... ...**_

**The angels at my side/ Clay's POV**

I'm once again alone in my apartment. Surprisingly, it's quite hard to get used to it. It should not 'cause it's not the first time I live on my own, but getting back to it after sharing my life with Swanny is...

In the last couple days I haven't done other than put my nose in my friend's stuff. I started with his videos, then his photos, and his clothes, and... and I have all is life in my hands now, and I must put it into boxes. His sister will want them back when she comes for the funeral.

My heart bleeds at the thought these bunch of craps and lost memories are the only thing left of Brett Swann.

The photos of him with his Team, his brothers, take my breath away. Swanny seems so happy in those pictures, so proud, so-

_Who's knocking at my apartment now?_ I'm two meters from the door, and I can't reach it without the cane. _I hate having to relate to this stupid cane for the littlest movements_.

With my hand still on the knob, I can say that before my eyes there's the last person I expected to see. _Stella_. And moreover she wears that beautiful, confident smile on her face... a_nd yet I thought I was over her... _

I fatigue to keep my heartbeat under control, but I can't leave her on the doorstep. _Be a man Clay!_ I try to clear my head while I make her a sign to come in. _But what is she doing here?_ I don't know if I can take it, her presence, her words, right now. It is so surprisingly hard to have her standing in front of me, to have her witness my struggles. _I think I missed her more than I could ever admit._

I try to dissimulate my surprise. Of course Naima had to tell Stella about the blast, about my leg, and about my recovery. _Of course_. That woman must be stronger than a frogman to hold Ray's fort while he is not there, no doubt of that, but is it possible that she sees something Stella and I don't see in ourselves?

Stella's persistent smile draws my attention back on her. It is a nervous smile, I can tell, but I can't read fear in her eyes. Why isn't she scared? That's exactly what she was afraid of, that's why we broke up in the first place. _Was she always right? Is she here just to tell me that she was right?_

"It was not such a big deal," I say when Stella talks about my injured leg. Obviously, she catches my lie.

She had the ability to read my soul since the moment we met at that bar. _Of course my wound was a big deal, who am I trying to kid here?_ And I still haven't come to terms with it. I'm still fighting, and not only with my leg. _But, I can't tell her this_. No, I can't admit it.

_Who am I trying to trick again?_ Stella already knows it, she always knows everything.

While she says that she can handle this, her smile fades. I'm confused because I thought that that was the whole point of our break up... And I'm even more surprised to hear that Stella came at the hospital when I was still forced to bed. I wonder if things would be different for me if she had been there when I woke up in that damn hospital bed.

_Would that give me even more pain?_ Well, Stella thinks so, and at the end, I'm glad that she didn't find her way to me. I most surely would have treated her like crap, just like I did with Swanny in my 'best' moments there. The difference is that Swanny handled it like a team guy. I didn't hurt him with my attitude, and he knew how to push me out of my state the right way. He was my guard, and now occurs to me I never thanked him for that.

_And I didn't do the same for him, moreover, I failed him. _Oh, I can't think about him right now, I need to focus on her. Stella is here, and she keeps up a tense smile while clumsily joking around. I have to admit that she is really trying hard though...

Nearly is the key word in this situation. I nearly got killed, but it didn't happened. Stella's submissive expression gets under my skin. My tone has come out harsher than intended, but I can't fight over this again with her. Not now that I have more important fights to attend. I can't explain to her why is it so important for me to keep risking my life for my brothers all over again. Especially not now that I have just lost one of them for something that could be avoided and that could be fixed.

_And_ _then, that expression again... _The light of her determination brightens Stella's face while she jokes around me_. Why does she need to have that expression..._ I'm definitely not over her, but Gosh, I already have my hands pretty full here. In fact, she had noticed the boxes. How could she not? They are all over the place.

Swanny's memory instantaneously stroke my mind. For a minute, I forgot. I forgot about him and about this pain in my heart. Stella does that to me, she heals my sorrow...

_This is not fair to Swanny_, I feel guilty.

"Did your friend leave?" she asks, and my heart clashes.

_Yes, he left_. I can't sustain Stella's look while the night when _it _happened replays in my head. _Swanny left_. It's unbelievable how it hurts to just even think those words. But meanwhile I try to dissimulate my real thoughts, Stella just settle down and asks me to tell the full story.

Discomfort grows in me, but if I want Brett Swann's story to be heard, I need to start somewhere, right? So why not start off telling it to the woman I shared my life with until only a few months ago?

_I'm sure Swanny would have liked Stella..._

_**... ... ...**_

**Swann's story / Clay's POV**

"Swanny was a frogman too," I say to Stella while settling down on the armchair. I don't think my leg would handle the weight of this conversation, and that's absolutely no point in trying.

"He _was_?" Stella's eyebrows scrunch together, and a nervous little smile appears on her face. "I thought you are always a frogman even after retirement. Did h-"

"Yeah, you know, death makes things pretty definitive."

"Did- Did he die in combat?" Confusion, pity and sorrow all shine through her eyes.

"That's the problem here," I say while she looks at me even more confused. _Oh, Gosh, I didn't think this conversation would be so hard._

"I'll make some tea." Stella gets up and makes herself at home, just like old times.

While the waters boil, I finally find the way to tell her all about my friend, the old frogman Brett Swann. And getting back to me with the hot mug, Stella says she can't understand how Brett doesn't deserve the Purple Heart.

_Yeah, me too._ I sigh. "It is unfair that the military tries to cover up things like this. I need to do something."

It's more unfair that they threaten me for trying to make justice for my friend, Stella points out, and I can't agree more. Again. She has always had this ability to read my mind, but her latest idea... _Come on, suggesting me to talk to Ahs about this? No. No way. That's a terrible, terrible idea._

"He can help." Stella tires to put some sense in my head, and I know she is right, but... _Ash? Really? My only option is Ash now?_

I take a deep breath. _Only for you, Swanny. Only for my brothers._

_**... ... ...**_

**No one is left behind / Sonny's POV**

This whole mission was born under the wrong stars. I have always known that. But this? Come on, a minefield? I'm an ice block, and my heart just stopped beating.

My bad luck started a few months ago when I got trapped in that damn torpedo tube. Thanks to my brothers, I pulled out safe and sound. That have been close enough though, but at least I was not alone. I have never been. That's the only thing that made me keep my mind sane in there.

Then there was the bombing that took Clay out. But we covered for him, of course we did. We all run to his side and made him pull through. And even though we may be not physically there with him now while he recovers, he knows we are there in spirits. Clay feel us, I know that.

The next was Ray. If we are here now, it's to take him back. If we are risking it all, is for making him feel he is not alone. Because nobody is left behind. Nobody.

And now is Trent's turn? _Come on, give us a break!_ Trent sure is not a nobody, and we are not gonna leave him behind.

Of course, he tries to be the hero, to handle it by himself. _Hell no, brother! Hell no!_ We are here. Fight together; lose together; win together.

I can't breathe while I watch Jason give Brock the orders on how the two of them are gonna disarm the damn land mine. There is no space for mistakes. There is no space for shaking hands. Fortunately, we are SEALs, and there are no such words in our vocabulary. _Right? _

_Right?_ My heart is up my throat now.

"We have company." Those words are the worst Full Metal could throw at us. _Enemies approaching. No good._

I have my finger on the trigger, ready to bust some heads and cover for my brothers, but Jason pulls me back. We can't draw unnecessary attention on us. _Oh, but how much would I like to blow their asses..._

"Three, two, one." Time's up, but my brothers did it. Mine disarmed, they put their asses on the ground, taking cover.

The enemies stop. They look in our direction. I stop breathing.

And then, they proceed on their path. _Bullet dodged_. I can finally breathe again, but my chest hurt. _Hell, guys, this time we were so close!_

But now, no more taking risks. One saved, one other still to rescue. The third waiting for us at home, and we are ALL gonna get back to him in one piece.

_**... ... ...**_

**It's a worthy fight / Clay's POV**

And there he is, at the bar counter, Ash Spenser in person. I approach while my not so quiet movements are covered by some strangers' casual chats. I don't want Ash to see me coming while limping like an invalid.

_Why did I listen to Stella?_ _This was such a bad idea. _I consider to retrace my steps and dump my old man here... _Oh, come on, Clay. Man up. This is for Swanny._

"Dad." Leaning on a stool, I claim for his attention, and right away, I make a sign to the bartender. "Two beers," I order him, thinking Ash would may use a refill on the one he is already drinking.

"Clay." My dad gets up and scans my body, exactly what I was trying to avoid. "It's good to see you on your feet, son."

I silently nod and stretch my hand to grab my beer. I'm not here for a friendly chat.

Ash huffs and rests back in his previous place. "Why don't you take a sit?"

I shake my head. "These stools are not exactly a catch for me. Besides, I'm not staying long."

He huffs again, then sips his drink. _This was definitely a bad idea, _I can only think.

"Well, at least I'm glad you called me. It was not easy for me to know that my son was in such a though spot and not being able to help."

There it is, the conversation shifting right on his favorite topic, himself. Like always. One second he says he's glad I'm better, and the next _he_ doesn't understand why _he_ couldn't see me, because _he_ would like to do something.

_Is it that hard to see why I didn't want the man any near me when I was already facing hell? I shut my brothers out, would he really expect me to go cry to him, to a man I fatigue to call family? Not to talk about the concern he would use my blast story for his advantages... using me once again._

And then he goes on defense, the problem between the two of us can't be other than my surly attitude, right?

I can barely stand his look, years of this craps pass before my eyes. Now it's pretty obvious I'm not here to chat, and Ash finally sees it, asking for the real reason of out encounter. I'm here to talk about Brett Swann, I explain. It still hurts my soul to talk about what happened to him.

The way the VA treated, or better, not treated him, it's a shame, Ash says. _A shame!_ Man,it's far more than that. I feel it's negligence; a crime, I would dare to say. He should see it, he's a VET too. _Yeah, what I was hoping? The man can't take his head off his ass!_ And while I'm here trying to explain my mission to him, the mission that would bring justice to Swanny, he dares to make fun of me. My blood starts boiling in my veins.

I breathe; I hook the calm. This is too important to blow off for Ash's teases. This is a worthy fight. It's worth for a thousand men out there, fighting with their demons alone. _They should not be alone_.

Ash doesn't even change is asshole expression. The only thing he can do is discourage me and take my hope down, remarking the military won't let me out with it.

_You really couldn't make things easier for me just this time, uh, dad?_ If I want his help, I must ask. _Hell, I hate asking him anything._

And there, my dear father lets me down for the millionth time. He wants to turn me off, or at least he tries. But I won't back down, this time I'm not letting him dodge my request like that. He owes me, and he must know that!

"That's not gonna happen," Ash insists on saying. It is not worth even trying, he remarks.

_The hell it is not!_ I react.

Well, at this point, I should expect his response. I can't call a frogman coward and expect to get away with it. But at least this moved him. That's a thing; his ego shines again, and I'm gonna put leverage on that.

"Don't you wanna be a hero? The man that stands for his brothers who don't have a voice?" I insist, I push him in the direction I want. This should work. _It will work_. And then I strike my final bowl, "Don't you wanna make your son proud?"

I see it in his eyes, he's thinking about it. I stand his look; I won't back down. I'm not a vulnerable kid anymore, but a strong man now.

"Let me sleep over it," Ash says getting away. "I'll call you soon."

I can't control both a smirk and a huff. I think I hit the jackpot.

_**... ... ...**_

**We're here, brother** **/ Sony's POV**

While searching the region, shots reach my ears. _It can't be a good sign_, my blood runs cold.

I have barely the time to cross my look with Jason, that he orders us to move faster. We rush toward the place those sounds came, Ray must be there and having a hard time. We must get there now! _Pease, let it not be too late..._

We run and run, rifles in hands, ready to start the fight. No, ready to end the fight! Climbing the hill, I feel my muscles burn, but my body is not just reacting to the physical effort, this are my guts turning at the thought we may lose Ray. _We can't lose Ray._

My heart pounds just like when I saw Clay laying down in the dirt after the explosion in Manila. _If when we reach the top what welcomes me is my brother's body laying there, I..._

But it's not! Ray is there and still alive. "Get down!" We yell to him.

He didn't see us coming. I don't know what his face gave up more, if his relief or his surprise. _Is it really possible that he believed we abandoned him?_ I don't have the time to stop and think; we start shooting and bringing the hell to those enemy combatants that threatened my brother's life.

And still, while I empty my charger on those men, I have the impression Ray gave up. I read in his eyes that he was ready to die. But we had other plans. I would not bear otherwise!

One eye on the possible threats coming, I witness to Jason and Ray's reunion. That's the most beautiful sight I could hope to have in this damn place. _We got you, Buddy. We got you!_

_But now let's go. _We follow Jason up the hill again, and down on the other side. We follow his leads to the extraction point, and this time, I don't feel the fatigue of the run. Six of us departed from the base, six of us are coming back, and all in one piece!

The helo can't be here soon enough, the fire under our asses is not yet extinguished. But when I look back at the team, _hell we did it!_

When our lift is here, they send down a rope, and one by one, we secure to it. _Okay, thanks_, _but I hate this kind of rescues, guys._ This is not the safest way to travel. I cross Jason's look, and then I cross Ray's. _Alright, I can bear it this time._ But this time only.

Flying to safety, I watch up to my brothers above my head, and then down to the ones below. I can breathe now. Well, I will breathe when my feet touch the ground again, but this is close enough.

With this view in my eyes and my heart lighter, I can't help but think that the little Clay would have loved this kind of exfil method. Well, he'll have plenty of occasion to try these when he comes back to us. I'm sure of that.

_**... ... ...**_

_**Author's note:**__ I know that in these tags Ray's perspective is missing, and that in this episode it is quite fundamental, but I chose to stick with Clay and Sonny's POV only, to keep my coherence. There would be needed a lot more words and a lot more energy to fill up Ray's storyline, and I don't have those now._

_Anyway, thanks for reading._


	9. Tag 2x22, Pt1

_**... ... ...**_

**Dad picks up the fight / Clay's POV**

"_I'm doing it_," Ash communicated me on the phone the other day.

"You're doing the right thing." I responded him while I couldn't hide a smirk. _Well, he is not here to see me anyway, so why hide it?_ I thought. _Swanny is having his message spread. The world will know, and I will keep the career I'm working so hard to get back to._ At that moment, I felt like it was gonna be a win-win situation.

"_It's tomorrow morning. You wanna come to the studio?_" Ash asked me. "_Backstage._"

That was weird. I didn't expect the invitation, but I took it. Something inside my head told me I needed to check on my father's behavior on this.

And so, now I'm here, dragging myself in the silent corridors of the studios and quietly settling behind the cameras while the TV host presents Ash to the audience. _Former Navy SEAL and author of the best-selling book_... she says about him. I barely control a huff. _That's what my father is, a story teller._ I just hope he can tell the right story for once.

Well, for sure Ash doesn't waste time because with all my surprise, Brett Swann is the first subject he wants to touch. I shift my weight from leg to cane, discomfort taking possess of me. Telling Swanny's story to the world is exactly what I wanted, so why is it so hard hearing from the lady the words 'former SEAL' and 'who took is life' regarding my friend?

I fatigue to breathe when my father starts spitting out statistics. It's scary how all those vets committed suicide right outside the VA, and it's even scarier that they are just numbers now. But we're here to change the things, to give them a voice. Dad said the right words, those are wake-up calls, _so wake up! Change the system!_ That's what we must do for them; for Swanny's death to not be vain.

Ash not so subtly accuses the system, and by extension, the military for all those deaths. I feel a shiver down my spine; doing this in first person my dad saved me from Court Marshall. I'm well aware, and he is too because speaking those last words, he looks directly at me. He wants to make sure I understand what he did for me and for my mission. _Well, I have to recognize he's really good with words. _

And then the host diverts the focus on Ash's book. His second one. I can't help but think that with his first book, my father became _persona non grata_ at the base, and with this second one, he seriously risked to become PNG to me too. The wound is still open, I haven't forgotten how he tried to use me, to make me his 'snitch'. But I don't wanna think about this anymore, Ash did a great thing for Swanny now, and I want to focus on that. I decide to step a few feet back and wait for my father to finish his chat.

_Don't worry Swann, the fight is up now_.

_**... ... ...**_

**What does it mean, no more Bravo? / Sonny's POV**

It feels good being back at the base, looking Ray in the eyes, and even being mocked about the horse thing. That's what brothers do. It feels like home. But obviously, Blackburn has to ruin the fun. While he says that Khan is in the wind we all get uncomfortable in out sits. _How could we let go the bastard who cut off Clay like that?_

And now, that man, Show, wants to split up Bravo Team? _That's never happening!_ Not after all we did, after all we risked. And surely, not before we get our payback.

I see Jason rushing out. _Go get 'em, Jace. Fight for us. We're not gonna lose our family like this._ I don't care what Blackburn says, we're not gonna be split. Jason will fix things. I need to believe it.

_But what if he doesn't?_ I read in my brother's eyes. And while I know that this won't mean that our careers are over, I know even better that this is family to us. _We can't just let this happen, right?_

A sudden thought strikes me. I'm not gonna be the one who tells Clay there will be no Bravo to come back to. Hell, the kid is fighting so hard, all alone at home, and we go back to tell him we'll never fight together ever again? _No. I can't_.

Doubts eat at my soul. Will Clay even be able to operate again? Will the news that Bravo will not be there when he's cleared to operate again make him fight less hard to come back?

_No! He is a frogman, and Bravo will always be there for him_, even if we would not be able to call us Bravo anymore.

_**... ... ...**_

**Swanny has a chance / Clay's POV**

The show's over, and dad comes to me. A hand on my back, he asks me about my thoughts. Okay, he brags a little, but he's still genuinely interested in what I have to say. I can sense that under my skin this time.

Ash did great, that's what I think. I feel Swanny couldn't ask for more now... even though is already too late for him.

But what's this odd feeling in my heart? _Is it possible that I'm proud of my father?_ Well, for sure I'm not gonna tell him that, but I can always thank him.

I have barely the time to do that, that he had to take a phone call. "Congressman Zuckerman?"

_Well, it was quick_. While Ash talks on the phone, I stand on my tiptoe (with the little help of my cane), and I bit my lips. I'm so eager to hear what the politician had to say.

After hanging up, Ash says that the man can be our best card to get Swanny the Purple Heart he deserves. I'm starting to believe him, and it's a good sensation.

Getting out of the studios, my dad tells me it's all happening thanks to me. He smiles, with a genuine smile I have rarely seen on him, and then both of us can't help but chuckle.

Yes, I'm proud. Proud of this battle we're taking on, proud of me for not giving up, and even proud of my dad for keeping the fight real.

_**... ... ...**_

**Let's go out with a bang / Sonny's POV**

We're finally going home, but this journey back has a bitter taste. This can't be that last time I sit my ass on the same plane as my brothers. _We can't end like this_.

My hands itch at the thought we're leaving without taking down the man that ordered the bombing in Manila, the man responsible for Clay's sufferings. But I'm going home, and I'm going to finally see my little brother. I need to see him, to make sure he's still on his feet.

Walking to the plane, I look around me, my family is here at my side. Our hearts beat in unison, and I hate that this can be the last time they do. _This will probably be Bravo last coming home, and we aren't even whole_. No, Clay is not walking this last mile with us. The thought that we'll have to tell him there is no Bravo to come back to when he will be ready to come back weights on us all.

But wait, what's Mandy doing here? Her words lit me up again. _One last rodeo_, as Jace says. _Hell, yeah! _I'm ready to set a fire under Khan's ass, to give him payback for what he did to Clay. Let's go take out the man who put our brother through hell.

_Let's go out with a bang!_

My heart is heavy, though, there is a big chance this will be Bravo Team last mission... _If just Clay could be here with us..._

_**... ... ...**_

**Still a frogman, still fighting / Clay's POV**

I walk through the base corridors, and yes, this time walk is the right word. I still need the cane's help, but I'm getting better. I'm definitely getting to it, and I can't be more eager to prove myself to the doctors and to my superiors. _And to my brothers too, of course_.

Even though, I have to admit that the looks the soldiers I cross while I direct to my cage throw at me get on my nerves... Come on, guys! _I'm not a dead man walking!_

This place has been my second home for the last year and more. _Second home_... well, this place has been my only home for a while, I have to admit, and the thought I risked to never come back is just... _out of question_, so I shake it off.

But I'm not officially back in action. _Not yet_. I'm not actually back on track. _Not just yet_. And so, I have to put my tools in order, to take back the things I need and that can't sit here collecting dust.

As I put a foot in the cages' room, the smell is inebriating. Gunpowder, rubber and metal, and stiff air. Yes, it's not the most pleasant scent in the word, but it smells like home. It smells like brotherhood, like family, like the only place I belong.

_I need to be back here soon_.

While I pack a pair of boots, the same old pair that I risked to never wear again if the blast had... _Stop, Clay!_ I breathe deeply. _If the blast had finished its work and cut off my leg for good,_ I can't help but think.

Melancholy fills my heart. The silence around here is deafening while the laughs of my brothers only resound in the distance of my memory.

Harrington's arrival interrupts my thoughts. There it is, 'the talk' incoming, and I need to lean on a rack to not risk my leg failing me. I feel like a kid busted after stealing the jam jar and expects a lecture from his dad. In fact, _he_ knows. He wants to talk about Ash and Brett Swann.

I wear my poker face, but the Captain already knows. Neither of us will say out loud that I'm responsible for what my father said on TV. I won't admit I pushed Ash to do what he did, and Harrington will never admit he approves my actions. But he does. He understands and sustains my methods. He wears his poker face too, but I can read his eyes anyway.

I'm keeping up both, my career and the fight for my lost brother. _I won't give up_.

_**... ... ...**_

**Got him! / Sonny's POV **

Bravo moves perfectly. _As always_. We get in. We inspect the building. We start taking out the hostiles. Those stupid terrorist reunited here thinking they were safe, but Bravo Team had other plans for them. _Hell yeah, guys, if this is gonna be our last, let's make sure that people around here will forever keep our quick passage in mind._

"_We got him_," Jace says through the radio.

"All clear," Trent responds for us all as no more threats are spot in the whole place. Probably not for much longer though, we need to exfil, and soon.

When Jason and Ray take Khan in the room, it's so hard for me to keep myself from punching him in the face, but I know that if we want Bravo to have a chance to stay together we need to stick with orders to the letter.

I look at my brothers' faces, and in their eyes, there is the same impatience mixed up with satisfaction. _We did it, Clay. This is for you_. The man behind our brother's injuries will no longer be a problem.

_**... ... ...**_

**My father's son / Clay's POV**

Sat at the bar playing with a bottle of beer, I wait for Ash after his meeting with the congressman. _Well, I'm anxious._ Never been in combat, but sat here on my hands waiting and waiting, powerlessly... I'm concerned the politician will say no to Swanny and his Purple Heart, and in the bottom of my heart, I'm afraid my dad will never show up. _Yes, he did that_, and despite not being a kid anymore, I feel the same sensation I felt when he missed the planned visits in my childhood.

But there he is. And despite the words he has to say are not encouraging, it feels good he is standing in front of me.

I try to take a deep breath. _Maybe it's time to give up_. I did my best; Ash, surprisingly, did his best too; Swann fought with all it had. _And now it's over._

But Ash surprises me again, and for the better this time. He wants to go on fighting. The same man that tried to pull me down only a few days ago, now pushes me to not surrender. He will keep going because he understood how this is important. _Important to me_.

My father is fighting for me. This is the first time I feel this sensation and that's... that's... I never felt like this. _My father is fighting for me_, and my heart is a little overwhelmed. But it's good, really good, I have to admit to myself.

"Thanks, dad," I say while looking him in the eyes. There is a light in them that I think I never saw before, or perhaps I've just never wanted to see.

Maybe we're more similar than I like to admit, and for the first time in my life, I don't think it's a bad thing.

_**... ... ...**_

**We're back / Sonny's POV**

Bravo moves in unison even to take off our gears and settle on the plane. This time is real, this may be the last time we all stick together after a mission. We succeeded, and I couldn't feel better, but... Well, actually, I may feel better if we were allowed to kill the man... Anyway, this doesn't feel like a complete victory to me.

I try to sit put while waiting for the response from the top, but I can't. I get up, I sit back, once, twice, and all over again. My brothers are starting to get annoyed by me. _Well, what's the news?_

I take out my phone. _'Get ready, I'm coming back!_' I dial. I even insert some emoticons, not really appropriate ones which a gentleman would never send to a lady. I'm thinking about delating them... _Ahahah! I've never been a gentleman anyway_, so I just text Davis. Emoticons from her in response. I look around to make sure no one else had seen them, and reluctantly, I delete the exchange.

My focus shifts again on Bravo's fate. _Come on guys, there must be something we can do. Shaw will never have our heads. _

Well, my plans are not welcomed very well by my brothers, as usual, but Blackburn's arrival makes my ideas useless. The one mission that should have been Bravo's last went so well that no one from the top will ever consider to separate us. _Hell yeah, guys. We're still up!_

"We're back!" Jason says while we toast with our beers.

I can't wait to tell Clay that we did it. I can't wait to tell him we're expecting for him to come back with us. _Bravo is still up, and I need the family to be whole again._

And now, I just have to bear the last night on this damn base, and on this cursed island. _Come on, let's go home_.

_Yes, we're finally going home_, I can't wait to put my feet on the good, old American soil. Okay, I know, technically we already are on American soil, _thanks Brock!_ But anywhere they mix meat and pineapple in my ration can't be called America. That's granted.

But we're heading to see Clay, and to reunite the family. I need to see with my eyes how this couple months away from us went for him.

And I need to see Davis too. Congratulate for her success in the officer candidate school in a very special way. I didn't think I could be one of those men dying to come back from a deployment to see their girl. But she's not just a girl, and the guys had noticed that. _If only they knew the truth..._ But as much as I hate to keep secrets from my brothers, the military has rules, and I can't tell them anything for now.

_**... ... ...**_

**Welcome back, guys / Clay's POV**

_The boys are coming home!_ I'm so excited.

Davis stopped by my apartment to pick me up and give me a lift to the base, so now, I glance at her through the review mirror, and I notice she wears a contagious smile. Her attitude is the only thing that keeps my tension under control. She seems even happier than me for the guys return.

Well, I am happy, it's just that I'm a little anxious too. Alright, maybe more than a little. I feel like a teenager that is prepping to ask his crush out. _I wanna look good to my brothers_, I wanna show them that I can make it back, that I'm good now, and that the moment I had when I tried to cut out the whole world, especially them, was, in fact, only a little moment.

The instant we stop outside the base, I open the car door and hop out. My brothers are gonna come out that gate at any minute now, and I want to be ready for them.

"Hey!" Davis draws my attention on my cane.

"I'm good," I hurry back. I left the thing in the car for a reason. I need to be on my own two feet when Bravo Team walks out. They will be my cane from now on, so I won't need the stupid metal thing anymore.

Jason's kids are here. It's quite weird because I don't recall I've ever waited for my dad to come back from a deployment like them, but at the end, I think I know how they must feel. That's exactly how I am feeling right now.

The guys' arrival interrupts our greetings, and I watch Mickey running to his dad. My heart fills, but my tension rise at every step my brothers do toward my position. I'm so glad to see they're all in one piece, and I really want them to be welcomed by the same sight. I want them to see me standing straight and ready to go back playing in the dirt with them.

Sonny's hug is so strong that makes my leg gave way for an imperceptible instant, thank God I have the other one, and thanks as much, the guys haven't noticed my little limp. _I need them to see my strength not my weaknesses._

The first thing that Sonny says to me when he let me go it's that they took the man that caused all this to me_. Of course they did_, I can't hide a smirk. I have not doubted my brothers for a single second.

But now he says that they took him alive, and I can't hide a frown. A shadow casts my heart, _revenge is incomplete... I thought that- that I... _It doesn't feel like I expected, but Sonny's forced smile makes me realize this is hard on my brothers too. Looking around at the rest of them, I know that my smile can't fade just for that little detail. _The band is back together, the boys are good, I will be good, and Bravo will march again_. Things will be just fine for us.

_I'm still here, still alive, and I need to move on_. There are bigger things at stake here.

Ray's hug takes me back to the here and now, he looks pretty beaten up. "Glad to see you all in one piece," I say to him.

"Hey, you stole my line!" Ray pats me on my shoulder.

We both chuckle, I can feel his soul is lighter than the last time I saw him. I'm really glad to see him like this. I really missed the old Ray, the one who keeps everyone in check.

Then it's Trent's turn, and after him, Brock's. They scan my body from head to toe.

"Oh, boy, look at you," Brock says letting me go. "That looks pretty solid to me."

Trent smirks. "It looks like my medical expertise in the field had some good results."

"Well, you should wait to see the scar your great expertise gave me," I say, even if my eyes fills with gratitude for what they did for me when I got blasted out. If it wasn't for Trent and the guys, I would probably lost my leg.

"Yeah, I think I will pass, thanks," Brock replies. "You're not exactly the person I was hoping to see in their underwear right now."

Jason's call interrupts our chuckles, "Hey sunshine."

A stupidly wide smile takes posses of my face while hugging him. I feel complete again, nothing else matters right now.

"I'm good," I assure him, and I could not be more true to myself.

_**... ... ...**_

**Finally home / Sonny's POV**

The first thing the boys and I see when we cross the gate are Jason's kids, running to him. The second, Clay and Davis waiting for us with wide smiles on their faces.

I hug my brother as thigh as I can, and he reciprocates, even if I feel him a little unstable on his feet. _What could I expect after all he went through?_

I'm glad to tell Clay we took the bastard. Less to say him we had to let the man live. Clay's expression gives up his disappointment, but I can't let my smile fade. Things went just as they were supposed to be. We're all together again, and Bravo had it's payback at the end.

Icing on the cake, we'll ride again full force soon. _Soon enough_, I hope.

My focus shifts now on the beautiful girl waiting for me at my brother's back. Davis' sweet voice calls for me, and I approach her, not really knowing how to demonstrate her how happy I am to see her without the guys suspecting something inappropriate. In fact, till we're still here right outside the base, we can't risk.

I try to dissimulate, but Davis' hug inebriates me. While trying to hide it from the rest of my team, I can't keep in check my inappropriate attitude, and I make Davis blush with my suggestion to find the nearest bedroom.

Her smile brilliantly covers for the awkwardness, and I know that she has the same wish to be alone with me as I have to be with her, but now, we're still surrounded by other people. Fortunately, those other people are the rest of my family, so it's not that terrible to wait a little more to be alone with Lisa.

While Davis greets Ray, I witness Clay's reunion with Jace. My heart warms up, Clay should have never left our sides.

Having all my family here is the most whole I felt in the last few months, even years maybe.

_We're back. Back in the game_. _Back home_. _Back together._

_**... ... ...**_

* * *

_**A/N: **__I hope this was not too loosely based; it's quite hard to dig into the guys' minds in all those different situations._

_Up next, everything concerning Swanny's funeral (a tough one to write too)._


	10. Tag 2x22, Pt2

_**... ... ...**_

**Real Loss / Clay's POV **

My dressing uniform awaits for me on the bed, but now, it's time for razor and shaving foam.

_This is real. This is happening_. I observe my face in the mirror, and I don't know what am I looking at. I don't know anymore who is behind this beard and what it represents to me.

_Well, I guess it's time to find out._

The blade scratches my skin, cut hair land in the sink. _Pay attention, Clay, you don't want to look even more beaten up. _Yes, because I didn't sleep a wink last night, feeling the weight of all this more than I like to admit.

_Done..._ I lift my eyes up to the mirror. The reflection I see it's not the same of the man I was the last time I was this clean up. I take in a deep breath, I'm not the same person as before, and I'm not talking about the visible scars on my body nor to the time changes.

_I've grown up_. I feel I'm ready for the next step, and not just to go back where I left.

_And I owe all this to Swanny_. Actually, I owe him more than this, and today, I wanna show him how grateful I am for all he did for me. A sigh escapes me. I wasn't able to thank him when he was still here and that weights on my soul.

I glance at my watch; time's running, so I walk out of the bathroom. I'm still a bit slow, but I stopped using the cane at home either. I pull my uniform pants up, covering for the sign the blast left on me. Some movements are still difficult, now and then the scar on my thigh itches, and the wound drives me nuts whenever the weather changes, _but it's okay. _I'm good to see those signs, to feel the residual pain. Those things only remind me how hard my body and my soul fought to get me back on track to where I am now. _I'm still up, and I'll keep fighting_.

What hurts the most right now are the invisible scars Swanny's death left on the inside. But once again, they are the signs of growth, Brett's inheritance, his lesson to me. And I learned. A lot. _I won't waste the lessons he taught me._

Well, ready or not, knocks on the door draw my attention. My lift is here. Surprise strikes me as Jason appears in front of my eyes. _I was expecting Sonny_.

"Look at you, Kid," Jason greets me. "You ready?"

I know what's going on, Bravo One is checking on his man. And so I nod, I close the door behind me, and follow him out.

"Wait, I heard you were using a cane," Jason says while we walk down the hallway. "Are you sure you don't need it anymore?"

"Leg is good," I rush back, hopping in his truck. Even though my body is not a hundred percent healed, I'm not gonna limp my way through Swanny's funeral. "I'm cleared to leave it at home," I assure to Jason while he insistently scans me.

When the engine starts, silence fills the truck.

"I just wanted to make sure you are good for real." Jason's eyes meet mine through the review mirror.

I sigh. "We're going to a brother's funeral, can anyone be good in this circumstance?" I have to admit, sustaining his look.

Jason nods. "Swanny was a real help to you while we were away, wasn't he?"

"That's what brothers do," I can only say. I'm not going to rehearse my speech with him on the road to the church.

But Jace insists. "I know that it hit hard on you being the one who found him when he-"

"Are we really going for a touchy feeling conversation now, right now?" I lower my look to our dressing uniforms. It will already be hard enough standing in front of everyone at the service and speak my heart, I really don't wanna start before time.

Jason understands, more casual chats accompany us for the rest of the ride.

And finally, we arrived. Jason parks the truck. "Hey." He faces me, making me look directly at him. "I just wanted to make clear that you did all you could for Swann, alright?" Jace wears a fatherly look and a true expression. "You gave him a place to stay, a shoulder to lean on, despite everything you were going through on your own, and you gave him a reason to keep fighting-"

A lump forms in my throat, and I cut him short."It was not enough."

"It was all you could," Jason objects. "And you did even more for him after he died. He would be proud of you." Jason's eyes keep peering into mine. "I am, Clay. I'm proud of all you did in the last few months."

_No, touchy feelings is not our comfort zone, hell Jace..._ I have to fight with commotion. He is not just One checking on Six. He is Jason checking on his friend.

_**... ... ...**_

**Stepping up for a brother / Sonny's POV**

"Who are you, and what have you done of Sonny Quinn?" Davis teases me when I get in her car, freshly shaven and in my dressing uniform.

_Dang, have you any idea how much this thing is uncomfortable? _I surely prefer my combat gears_._

"You don't like me anymore?" I settle in and scan Davis' body. "Nice uniform by the way."

She smirks, her eyes brighten. "Who told you I ever liked you?"

We glance around, circumspect, and then indulge in a kiss. I'm gonna need this memory, something positive to hold on to, to face Swann's funeral.

The ride to the service goes quiet, Davis and I both getting into the right state of mind. _Is there even a right state of mind to bear these kind of things?_ This is the hardest part of the job, an aspect I've already had to deal with too many times now.

We arrive at the church one minute before Jason and Clay. Thank God the kid doesn't seem mad 'cause I didn't pick him up, leaving him to Jace's cares instead. Probably Clay's grieving too much to bother who among his brothers showed up to give him a lift.

Clay steps out of Jace's truck, a dreadful seriousness in his eyes. I've never seen Clay like this. We lost other brothers in the past, and I saw how each and every loss hit deeply on him, but this particular one seems to have gotten to the kid in a different way.

And now, it's the time. I take in a deep breath and move to my position. One by one, Bravo Team round Swanny's box. We look at each other, we are barely recognizable cleaned up like this, but our eyes remain true to ourselves. Every single one of us is mourning.

Clay steps to the front row. I cross my look with Jason, who's standing in the back. "You sure you wanna do this, Clay?"

He turns to me, deadly serious. _Of course he wants to do this!_

As much as I hate to doubt my brother, I need to give voice to my concern, the same concern I read on my other teammates faces.

I look Clay straight. "I mean, we have your back, brother, you are not forced to step in the front if you think your leg-"

"Leg's good. This is for Swanny." Determination shines through Clay's voice, there's distress in his eyes, but not for the physical pain, I can clearly see that. The sparkle in his eyes means something different; something that tells me I have to let Clay do this.

We all nod at our brother. _Hell, I should have never doubted him like this, but I had to ask_. I know Clay would never put his pride before his family, but sometimes the kid is just so stubborn...

But now, we're here for Brett Swann. Let's march. Let's accompany him to his final destination.

_**... ... ...**_

**You deserved more / Clay's POV**

The handle of Swanny's box in my hand, I march with my brothers toward the church. Ray's voice echoes in the air, "Left, left, right, left..."

My heart beats to the rhythm of that chanting. And for once, Sonny was right, my stupid leg makes me feel its voice, but I'm not giving up. Not now. My thigh may burn like hell, but my heart burns even more.

As soldiers, we're trained to welcome the physical pain. A Navy SEAL can bear anything, they teach us.

But the real reason why we can face any challenge it's not because we are tough men, but because we're never alone. I feel my brother's presence by my side. They are helping me carrying this weight, the weight of the guilt, of the sorrow, of the disappointment.

The weight of failure.

My mind wanders, _in some way, I'm even starting to think that these wounds I've suffered are a blessing_. If I haven't been knocked down, if I haven't risked my life this much and haven't been sent back home, Swanny would have been alone here. Watching his video-diary I had the feeling that he would have done what he did a long time ago, and he would be alone in that. He would have had no one that would fight for him.

I did not enough, that's for sure, but I tried, and this Swanny knew. I need to believe that at least now he knows.

These thoughts and million others keep my mind clouded during the whole function, but now it's my time to speak up. It's the time to tell everyone here, family, friends, and everybody who would listen, Brett Swann's true story.

Encouraged by Sonny and Jason's looks, I get up from my place. I feel all the eyes on me while I slightly limp my way to the altar, reaching Swanny's box. I prepared a speech, but this sight takes my breath away. I'm standing in front of my brother's coffin with dozens of people ready to hear what I have to say, but the only person I would like to listen to me is the man in the box.

The beats of my heart resound in my chest while this silence eat at my soul. _I have never had any kind of problem speaking my mind, why this should be so different?_

I take a deep breath to collect my courage, and I start talking. My voice reverberates on the church's walls while Brett's sister's quiet sobs echo in the distance. I make clear that I'm not here to tell the people in front of me about how a great human Brett was. If they are here, it's because they already know; it's because he meant something to them.

My voice cracks while explaining the real reason why we are all here. **Failure** is the key word. _I won't back off,_ I say it clear. The country, the man with ties behind it, the military, the VA, they all failed Swanny.

No one from the top wants to recognize that Brett Swann died in combat; he died when his brother Nicky was killed under his eyes. While the video of the mission when they both lost their life plays in my memory, my voice shakes and Adam's death passes before my eyes too. Now I know that I was so close to be broken just like Swanny was myself.

My eyes fill with tears, my heart beats painfully. Swann came back from the war a broken man, and no one recognized that before it was too late. My audience is quite shocked by my words. Swanny's family takes it hard; his friends accept that weight on their soul. _We all could do more_, someone had to say it, and so I did.

I can't stop a little tear from marking my cheek. I don't care to appear weak in front of all those people, I can't hold back what I have to say. I can't hold back what I feel.

Brett was a hero. Without him, I would not be here now. I would not stand on my feet, and I would not have a family to come back to. He helped me in a way I couldn't always see when he was there beside me, and so, I have never thanked him. Not enough at least.

I wasn't able to help him the way he helped me. Swanny never asked me to pay him back. He never asked me anything. But I was in debt. I still am in debt, and I always will be. And now I need to keep up his fight. _He deserves this_.

I look at my brothers in the eyes before continuing my speech. I need their strength to go on, and they don't disappoint me.

I resume talking. If we are all here this very moment, at this very place, it's because I failed to give Swanny the honor he deserved, I failed to give him the proper last goodbye every hero like him needs and deserves.

Right now I'm fighting to not give up to tears in front of the entire church. I fight to keep it together because the most important part of my speech is yet to come. I search the crowd; my father is sitting there. There is not only my team family here. _I can do this_, I repeat to myself.

Swanny, I hope you are listening now. **I'm sorry**.

I need to apologize to him because I could not be the man he needed by his side. _I was not enough_. Another tear escapes my control, and my voice is all crackly while I say to my brother, "I'm sorry that I failed you."

_**... ... ...**_

**It takes courage and strength / Sonny's POV**

_Look at him_, _my little brother all grown up_. Hell, it's so hard sitting here while watching Clay struggling to keep it together. It's hard to hear his words and feel them true. I glance at my brothers sat beside me, Clay hit the mark with them too.

_For sure the kid knows how to reach our souls._

My heart clenches at the thought that while Bravo was out there as a family getting dirty in the sandbox, Clay was here facing this kind of struggles all alone. But to tell the truth, he wasn't alone; he had Swanny. The hardest part to accept is the fact that Swanny instead, felt he had no one; that he felt it was right for him to get out the fight. To surrender.

While Clay talks, I can imagine what he must have felt when he found Swanny's corpse. All the anger, all the sorrow, and above everything, all the solitude. And now I realize that those emotions were just the same that lead Brett to take his life. A SEAL should never be afraid, but this, this scares me. _No, this terrifies me_.

There's an unbelievable silence here, everyone hangs from Clay's lips.

_The kid has guts!_ But I always knew that. Talking like this about the military, about the country, and the system takes courage. And admitting what he perceives as a personal failure like Clay is doing in front of everyone here requires nerve and strength even more.

What's even worse than hearing from Clay's broken voice about the true story of Brett Swann, it's acknowledging our friend was not the only one to suffer such troubles. _Swanny is not the only one to face those struggles_. There are dozens of us out there needing help, and most of them, just like Brett, can't find their voice to get what they need; what they deserve.

One day, every single soldier that now is standing here all clean in their dressing uniform -well, the luckiest once at least- will be vets. Vets at the mercy of a cracked system. I see why Clay chose to fight for this, and I will stand at his side as long as he needs. That's what I think while climbing the altar to give my respects to my lost brother.

But Clay hasn't done surprising me with his true heart and courage_. No, he never stops surprising me_. Now, he has a Purple Heart to put on Swanny's box, giving some peace to the broken soul of the lost frogman.

_**... ... ...**_

**This is for you, Swanny / Clay's POV**

When I'm done with my speech, Jason is the first one to join me up the altar by Swanny's box. In his look, I see I hit the mark with my speech. Actually, through the veil of tears that covers my eyes, I can see the same look on everyone else in the church. _Maybe I finally did something good to honor my lost brother_.

Capitan Harrington follows, then Commander Blackburn, and then the rest of Bravo Team. We're all here for you, Swanny. _You're not alone_.

I glance at my superiors. They stare at Swanny's box, but Jason crosses my looks. _Go ahead_, his eyes say to me. And so, I step forward, and I give Brett what he always deserved. A Purple Heart.

_Yes, since I failed to make the big bosses see he earned one for himself, I gave Brett mine_. I don't need a medal to remind myself about my wound. I have the scar, and mine, opposite to Swanny's, is well visible.

I don't need a medal to remind myself my fight to come back from my injury. I have my brothers that will gladly remind me that every day.

I don't need a medal to remind myself how Brett Swann dragged my ass out of the hole I dug myself into and how much he helped me to get back on my feet, literally and metaphorically.

Harrington doesn't react to my gesture, but Jason nods at me. _I did the right thing_, I did what Swanny needed, even if it is too late...

_**... ... ...**_

**A toast to our strength / Clay's POV**

This is the bar where I first met Swanny. It's been only a few months, but it feels like years. So many things happened since that night...

I finally sit down. After the long service, standing in front of all those people, my leg demanded mercy. No, I'm not a hundred percent yet, but Swanny would be happy to see how much progress I made since he had to help me getting in the shower.

Brothers and sisters with their families supporting them are here all around me, creating a warm atmosphere inside the bar. Well, the pain of the loss has not yet abandoned us, but we're here to celebrate Brett's life, and we're for each other. It feels good that Stella is here too, sitting in front of me and smiling encouraging.

Swanny would have loved Stella, I'm sure about that. But to be honest, I don't know if Stella would have handled the broken old frogman Swanny was in his last days. One thing is certain, if she was still living with me a few months ago, I could have not offered Brett a place to stay. If she didn't break up with me before Mexico, I would not have spent the last weeks of my friend's life with him.

_I guess things went exactly how they were suppose to go_.

I'm definitely not the man I was two years ago when I first met Stella. And I'm not the same man I was six months ago when Stella broke up with me. No, I'm not the same person I was two months ago or maybe even two weeks ago.

I'm a better man, Stella says. In her voice a kind of affection I haven't heard in ages. _What's going on here?_ I still feel something for her, never stopped, but... _Is it possible that the door just reopened? Well, I grew up a lot lately, and I feel that Stella is learning to handle the military life better..._

Jason's voice interrupts my thoughts. Silence echoes in the bar instantaneously. Bravo One's toast is just what everyone here was expecting. Everything my brothers and me were hoping to give a closure to this awful story, even if it's memory will never abandon us.

I laboriously swallow when Jason starts spitting up numbers. He talks about divorces, and kids that suffered from them. _Yes_, I was one of them, and I don't want my children to ever experience that.

He talks about years of service, about medals and war fought. _Oh_, I'm on that list too.

And then he talks about injuries and surgeries. _Box checked_. I can't help but look down, and my hand runs down my thigh, feeling the scar under the fabric of my uniform.

When he says that every soldier in this room suffers at least a little from the same thing Brett suffered, my heart clenches. I see the same sorrow in every one of my brothers, just like I see agreement and support when Jace says that he would never exchange any of this pain for anything else in the world.

Every single wound and scar, visible or not, physical or psychological, it's what makes us who we are. So cheers to that.

Cheers to the way we bear the losses. Cheers to the way we are there for each other. Cheers to fighting together, learning together, and growing together.

Cheers to start from where we left when we stopped to come around a lost brother. We're stronger now. We're better now.

Thanks to Brett, I am a better man.

And now, I'm ready to stand and fight again, stronger than ever.

_**... ... ... **_

_**A/N**__: I just want to say that I was so confused because Clay said repeatedly that he failed to give Swanny the honors he deserved, and I interpreted those words as Clay not only couldn't give his friend a funeral with full honors, but he also couldn't convince the military to give Swanny a Purple Heart. So when Clay placed that medal on Swanny's coffin, it didn't make much sense to me. My brain came up with the explanation that Clay must have earned a Purple Heart for his own injury in the blast, and so he decided to give that to his friend Swanny. I hope that this explanation makes sense to you as much as it does to me, even if it's may not the right one._

_And so, this was all. I have to admit that this project was quite hard to carry on, digging so deep in the character's minds, but I think that at the end, it was worth it._

_**I just hope I was respectful enough dealing with all these important themes that the show wanted to share.**_

_**Thank you!**_


End file.
